Posts Tagged ‘self’

You awoke with anger, affection and blinding fear. You waged a battle between right and wrong as others tried to banish your soul. You cry in the shadows and smile under the sun. You do your best to balance my mind even through times of pain. The ache you encompass me in is at times confusing. It feels good or it renders me helpless. 

When I lash out, you bind my wrists and gag my mouth, but nothing can stop the tears from falling. The power you wield banishes the fury of my roar, muffles the sounds of ecstasy. two sounds which expose my weaknesses. 

Love, you know what I need even when I don’t. The fight between us is everlasting, raw and sometimes bloody. You’ve effectively groomed my rage, testing me, prodding my tender thoughts pushing my soul to experience raw life. 

During my stint in dire straits you forced me to fight against who I thought I was to become who I was supposed to be. Not an easy task when all I saw was a target placed over my heart. People not seeing inside was why I’d built the wall in the first place. In one second, in one diagnosis you slammed through my barriers and forced me to open. To ask for help and let others see all my vulnerabilities. I cowered at first. Rolled up into a ball like a fetus in my mother’s womb. Which is ironic since life had pushed me back to that place where I was helpless without others. Would have most likely died without their assistance.

Epiphany. Thank you, my love for showing me that you exist both inside and out. That you are more than the heart within me. You are an extension of those willing to become a part of me. To accept me. To take my hand and offer their strength when I feel I have none. 

Love is me returning the nurture, the power, the giving, the healing without expectation. To carry those in need to a safe place in their own hearts. Like me, you see it from where you stand. The journey across the tumultuous line is long but not far. I know. 

 

Sincerely,

M.E.

Is the collusion of snowflakes a blanket of ignorance that makes everything the same? Suffocate differences. The absence of color. Numbing pain. A blanket of cold appearing as warmth in desperate hands. Blood and bone beneath sheets of foggy ice. Freezing thoughts of comfort. A slow death. Sleeping betrayal. Yes. But. The sun comes out. Heat melts the eyes awakens the mind and stimulates the heart. Not all but some. Enough. To burn the blanket. Dissolving the carefully woven crystals arresting thoughts. Salvation. Self-preservation. In that light, that encouraging inferno, we cling to each other. We are one, the decrepit, the strong, the despairing, the hearty. There are no them—we—us. Just me.  

Words from a dream skitter across wakeful thoughts

A heart beat before I’m dead

Every bad and all the good—relived

Pain and joy close, never touching

Moments in between to decide

And then it begins

Peace and lavender haze surrounds my floating soul

visons beyond feeling dance in the shadows

Living between breaths takes courage

I succeeded and failed well

Now what?

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

It’s the end of the world as know, I feel fine

That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
Birds, snakes, and aeroplanes
Lenny Bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs
Feed it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength
Ladder start to clatter with fear, fight down height
Wire in a fire, representing seven games
A government for hire and a combat site
Left of west and coming in a hurry
With the furies breathing down your neck

Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped
Look at that low playing! Fine, then
Uh oh, overflow, population, common food
But it’ll do
Save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right
Right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Six o’clock, TV hour
Don’t get caught in foreign towers
Slash and burn, return
Listen to yourself churn
Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting
Every motive escalate
Automotive incinerate
Light a candle, light a votive
Step down, step down
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh
This means no fear cavalier
Renegade steer clear!
A tournament, tournament, a tournament of lies
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

The other night I dreamt of knives
Continental drift divide
Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein
Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom!
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right?
Right!

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Songwriters: JOHN MICHAEL STIPE, MICHAEL E. MILLS, PETER LAWRENCE BUCK, WILLIAM THOMAS BERRY
© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group

Twisted Fate

Posted: November 5, 2017 in Book reviews, Novels
Tags: , , , , , ,

The FINAL version of Twisted Fate will be downloaded for update on kindle within 2 months. Now reworking Waking Up Vampire. I’ve read and reread all reviews and will be applying fixes clearing up grammatical errors and confusing events. Waking Up Vampire was the first step into this amazing journey of writing fantasy. Except, most of the issues faced by the main character are real and I–at the beginning– hadn’t acknowledged I had a problem. I thought everyone had a difficult childhood–right? Well, after the first draft hit the printer and I began the editing process, memories I’d repressed made me realize that the guarded soul I’d become as an adult was just trying to protect the little girl inside me who’d been victimized. I probably went through thirty rewrites before finally finding comfort in the most recent version. And here I am again doing the new perception review and finding I’ve grown some more. Time for another rewrite. It won’t change much because the events are the same, but I have a new and better understanding of my journey and I dearly want to express it to you. So Waking Up Vampire will be coming to you in a better updated and final version in the near future.

Bear with me.

Life is hard, but we’re all works in progress and we all get tripped up. I have come to a conclusion with Waking Up Vampire-The sequel. I found the best ending to that story both appeases the characters and my sane mind. I haven’t titled it yet. The present mind is always easier to puzzle out than that of the child I’d been. So. With that said, I do have many more stories and characters waiting on the back burner ready to be fleshed out and sent on their way into my crazy worlds.

I will let you know when I’ve updated Twisted fate on Kindle. Thank you and Peace.FINAL TW.F.

What makes a person follow an entity who leads them onto the path of misery? Why do mothers and fathers choose to worship a god that puts its values before the love of family? Sounds more human than divine. Nature vs nurture. Experience vs command. Is there a line you won’t cross or will you die alone because that’s what’s been written. Religions have many personalities. I say personality because there are as many religious beliefs as there are humans. And those who don’t believe are included in the protein rich, spice riddled salad.

But let’s cut to the foundation of religious beliefs. You will only believe what you already accept as true. If you were abused and debased as a kid–authority is your enemy. If ten apologies after ten beatings keeps you in love and in place, bullies need to be understood. If you have been taught that wealth and entitlement makes you smarter and everyone else stupid, you will run a country as if the rest of us should be grateful for presence despite your lack of empathy and compassion or knowing what it’s like to struggle. It’s easier for some to discard their own ideas than to make a case for their own identity. It’s too much work. And it’s not like they’re alone in their beliefs. There’ll always be someone who validates them. Same mentality. Thinking–not worth the effort. The mob mentality.

People kill for their religions. People kill at the instruction of the voices in their heads. People kill because some ignorant human thinks the best way to run a country is to create a symbolic enemy. All religions have blood soaked into the pages of their books of scripture. Blood. Money. Power. Maybe at one time, there was a religion that took our need to dance naked in the rain as an expression of peace, or encouraged loved between adults, who promoted the health and happiness of children. I–for one–would love to read that book.

You can lay bigotry, hatred, racism, open condemnation at your god’s feet, blame it on your disgust of the world around you. But guess what? The rest of us see through the divine veil you place over your heads. We know you are hate. And in the end Love will defeat you. And We won’t have to lift a finger to win.

Sometimes I turn to pain for comfort, darkness to cleanse and numbness to escape it all. And then I fall.      Panic sets in.        I reach for the closest heart and fall faster.    There’s no room for laughter when tears fall and the life lived fades into the past. Looking forward through a pane of foggy glass.   I capturing glimpses of what could be, at the moment, because a breath changes everything.    His hand. Her shoulder. The innocence of a child. Fury and blood. What does it all mean? He kills. She kills. One a hero. The other a villain. Which is which? Do we know the difference anymore? My life is my reach, my sight, what I hear, who I touch. Not always good. Not perfect. My goal is simple. To make progress.