Archive for June, 2021

As I said, my subconscious is burdened by input from a thousand experiences, some not my own. Even though I’m fully aware of the influence other’s have on my decisions, transitioning from their beliefs and stories to my own is difficult. My mother raised us with affection tainted by her own past fears. She wanted us strong and independent, yet (I didn’t know this until she died) her fears sowed by her childhood corroded the way she raised us. (I have one older sister and two younger brothers).

Did I have a good childhood? Better than some. Worse than others. Every stage of our lives get several small challenges, or one large one we have to overcome to gain a soul level. You know, like in video games, only when we refresh after death, we’re in a different life. Same challenges but with contrasting influences and set of beliefs. According to some religions, we’re born sinful. The natural act of procreating blackens our souls before we take our first breaths. I dropped that belief long ago. In fact, within the last sixteen years (I’m 52), I cleansed my belief system down to one that make sense to me. Really, that’s all that matters. How? My decisions, my thoughts, my actions and reactions…all mine. My soul is my guide. Does it help me knowing this? A little. When I close myself off from everyone else I let my truth surface to engage head-on with anger or happiness, whatever it is I need to face, I do it on my terms.

For example, If I become enraged by someone’s actions, reactions, words, that hurt others despite the judgmental’s unaffected personal life…I, about half the time take a step back to balance my wildly protective instincts.

My mom protected us from everyone and everything except the one person who hurt us most, our father. His childhood molded the way he acted later in life. Religion, indirectly and directly had a lot to do with his dysfunction, but his choices in life were all his own. For years I ignored the contrary mindset. At times he’s say love god and all will be well. On the flip side he’d go on a hate-dripping tirade about other people in and outside of the family.

Do I wish I had different parents? Ha, I chose them as influencers before I returned to the game board. I imagine a meeting of the souls. Contracts are drawn up, roles are picked, and so are our starts and finishes. I had a hard to accepting the roles of pedophiles and psychopaths, but I’f we are to learn everything, we must experience everything. Knowing this, doesn’t make my anger less sharp or my actions less violent towards these wild cards. Perhaps not accepting those pedophiles who pose as church clergy or good deed dads in boy scouts etc, is a level I passed in a previous life. Could be I played the role as the molested, or a molester many lives before. All I know for sure is that’s one circumstance I protected my children from, fiercely. I saw predators everywhere I went., even in the family. The threat of death was known to all who went near them without my permission. I didn’t go out. I guess some time in my past I’d been prey to a violent predator, so much that the experience is burned deeply and still painfully in my soul’s memory.

To Be Continued…

Best Laid Plans Of The Soul

We hear about someone’s best laid plans going up in flames and often think, well, that’s not the path given by “God”. “God helps those who help themselves”. The holes in those theories left me wandering in a lonely place with a collar and leash choking me in directions I didn’t wish to go.

Then it hit me.

We are here to make progress. perhaps, other souls are here to challenge/block us or help us move forward. Soul Contracts. The theory then becomes the best laid plans of the soul and how the human mind thwarts our attempts at success. Who is who? That’s the puzzle we created for ourselves before birth. To start, we are given two pieces when we are born. Those two pieces we choose right off the bat. A mother and a father. We’ve picked them specifically to help us grow into our true selves. Remember, depending on how well you listen to your instincts/higher self, the part of you that connects your mind to your soul, you will grow in small increments or leaps and bounds. Your time limit for that those lessons is the duration you’ve planned to live in one lifetime. Don’t worry, there’s no such thing as failure. You’ll have to do it again in your next life. Personal soul growth is what it is. In my case, one parent was loving while the other hateful. I grew up dancing on opposite sides of the emotional spectrum.

So, how did I end up here? And where is here? It wasn’t until their deaths were their lives revealed. Imagine as an adult, a mountain of knowledge falling on your head, that coincide with some memories but not others (as related through a sibling) and certain events finally making sense. Does the knowledge help me help others. Yes and no. Depends solely on the path of the soul you want to help or warn.

To be continued.