As I said, my subconscious is burdened by input from a thousand experiences, some not my own. Even though I’m fully aware of the influence other’s have on my decisions, transitioning from their beliefs and stories to my own is difficult. My mother raised us with affection tainted by her own past fears. She wanted us strong and independent, yet (I didn’t know this until she died) her fears sowed by her childhood corroded the way she raised us. (I have one older sister and two younger brothers).
Did I have a good childhood? Better than some. Worse than others. Every stage of our lives get several small challenges, or one large one we have to overcome to gain a soul level. You know, like in video games, only when we refresh after death, we’re in a different life. Same challenges but with contrasting influences and set of beliefs. According to some religions, we’re born sinful. The natural act of procreating blackens our souls before we take our first breaths. I dropped that belief long ago. In fact, within the last sixteen years (I’m 52), I cleansed my belief system down to one that make sense to me. Really, that’s all that matters. How? My decisions, my thoughts, my actions and reactions…all mine. My soul is my guide. Does it help me knowing this? A little. When I close myself off from everyone else I let my truth surface to engage head-on with anger or happiness, whatever it is I need to face, I do it on my terms.
For example, If I become enraged by someone’s actions, reactions, words, that hurt others despite the judgmental’s unaffected personal life…I, about half the time take a step back to balance my wildly protective instincts.
My mom protected us from everyone and everything except the one person who hurt us most, our father. His childhood molded the way he acted later in life. Religion, indirectly and directly had a lot to do with his dysfunction, but his choices in life were all his own. For years I ignored the contrary mindset. At times he’d say love god and all will be well. On the flip side he’d go on a hate-dripping tirade about other people in and outside of the family.
Do I wish I had different parents? Ha, I chose them as influencers before I returned to the game board. I imagine a meeting of the souls. Contracts are drawn up, roles are picked, and so are our starts and finishes. Though I’d accepted this belief, I had a hard time accepting the roles of the most heinous soul-players pedophiles and psychopaths, but If we are to learn everything, we must experience everything. Knowing this, doesn’t make my anger less sharp or my actions less violent towards these wild cards that are put in place to create lessons. Perhaps not accepting those pedophiles who pose as church clergy or good deed dads in boy scouts etc, is a level I passed in a previous life. Could be I played the role as the molested, or a molester many lives before. All I know for sure is that’s one circumstance I protected my children from, fiercely. I saw predators everywhere I went., even in the family. The threat of death was known to all who went near them without my permission. I didn’t go out. I guess some time in my past I’d been prey to a violent predator, so much that the experience is burned deeply and still painfully in my soul’s memory.
To Be Continued…
Mel Evers wonders about it all 