I love my life. My mind is full. My moods swing up and down, feeling the thrill and fear, but will never stop the motion. I read hate and cry. I read lies and shout in frustration. To free your mind is to free-fall into everything. Anything is possible. I fuel love and starve negative seeds. It is my way. I will die high before lowered into the ground. Life is everything death is a transition we all forget.

Source: 5 Things I’ve learned since my Mom died

Transcendence

Posted: March 16, 2017 in Uncategorized

via Daily Prompt: Record

Anxiety

Posted: March 9, 2017 in life lessons
Tags: , , , , , ,

I am a strong woman who cries beneath blankets on my bed. Why? Now it’s from joy. Before, it was because my son suffered and I didn’t know it. And because I didn’t listen I made it worse. It’s a lesson I will never forget and a mistake I will never repeat.

This is the first year I could lower my guard, and dance the sly dance with an unseen demon without destroying my son in the process. He suffers from anxiety.

You can’t reason with anxiety. You can only learn to cope until the unwarranted bite from adrenaline is no longer associated with fear or a sense of doom.

From elementary school–until now–eleventh grade, was an uphill battle. A battle to get him to school. A battle to make him eat. A battle to make him smile. He’d lost so much weight one year,  we had to take him to a special hospital. Watching him melt into a gaunt, pale six-foot fourteen year old forced me to bog down into a fire that licked my heart everyday.

In the beginning, I thought like all fourth graders, he hated school. He cried and fought every step to the door. I cried and worried when I got home. This went on until middle school when he complained about his stomach. Soon after that his throat had issues which made it difficult for him to leave the house. I brought him to the pediatrician a few times but received the same response. It was nerves and he had to go to school. So he cried. I cried. And we both got angry. Every morning the stress grew until I decided to take him to a specialist. An ears nose and throat doctor.

Finally one answer. He had acid reflux. (Has)

He was put on medication and it did help his stomach and throat, but he still did not want to go to school. I needed more help. I couldn’t do this on my own.

We tried a therapist. It helped until this therapist fed his anxiety by feeding into his wish of home schooling. That’s when he lost a lot of weight. Fortunately the children’s hospital helped.

Next step, a friend referred a psychiatrist. He saw my son a few times to gauge his symptoms and then he put him on medication. I had always been vehemently against medicating children. I had to decide which was worse, trying to help the symptoms with medication or watch my son fall deeper and deeper into a depression that made him  lash out.

This Dr. is good. He didn’t go crazy or put him on anything that changed my son’s personality. My son is a funny, smart and creative kid. After a couple of months, with the help of this doctor, my son emerged. The happy go lucky kid I remember from kindergarten. It took a little while… a year to get the dosing correct, but now, though he still struggles, with the help of the medication, he can navigate the fog. I am so proud of him. He deals with his anxiety every day and everyday he wins more ground.

My children are my life. To watch any one of them suffer kills me. The greatest lesson I learned is, when any one of them are having a problem, to take myself out of the equation, don’t make it personal and to sit back and listen. They need me on their side, not against them when they are struggling with things they don’t understand.

Silver Series Book 2 Excerpt

Posted: February 28, 2017 in Novels
Tags: , ,

Chapter One

“Not again,” Lu shouted and sat straight up. She woke in a dark room where she could see everything, as if the walls and furniture glowed. A brief hit of panic infused Lu’s body, until a warm strong body stretched against her. A soft hand on her chest, pressed her back onto the bed.

“You’re safe,” Michelle said, nuzzling Lu’s shoulder. “How do you feel?

Fucked up.

She wouldn’t tell Michelle that, but Lu believed she knew. “I’m not sure. I still don’t know what happened? Dorian’s alive and Al’s not behind bars? And who the hell is Marou and Antalyce?”

“All very good starter questions,” Michelle said, kissing Lu’s cheek.

Michelle shifted so she lay half on top of Lu, and then rested a thigh across Lu’s stomach. The warmth of her soft skin soothed Lu’s anxiety. A little. she wanted to flip them over and feed from Michelle’s neck and then taste every inch of her. Lu swallowed back the urge to feed, instead focused on Michelle’s calm breathing and racing heart. The opposing signals kept the lustful side of her brain hesitant.

“Al and Dorian were part of the test to see if you could control your stress levels. To provoke on the spot choices, you’d make under the worst-case scenarios. Everything you learned about Al, Pete and your father, was true.”

“But I was dreaming. How could what I saw and felt be real?” Lu asked, grabbing Michelle’s roaming hand and placing a kiss on her palm. She needed to think. Michelle’s touch was distracting.

“No. The choices you made were real. Call it a virtual reality where the player has no idea they’re inside a game. Or in this case… a hypnosis-induced dream.”

Lu rolled her head back and forth on the pillow. “I still don’t get it,” she confessed. It felt weird being open and honest.

“Andoron and Antalyce Marou are brother and sister. Twins,” Sage explained. “Turned a long time ago, during the era of The Hunt.”

“The Hunt?” Lu asked.

“A time when vampires, Blood-vampires, were sport. Humans caught and trained wolf-shifters to track them. You see,” Michelle continued. “The story, as it stands now, is this,” she said, getting up and straddling Luigina’s hips. “Andoron Marou despised the idea of losing his power, property and wealth after his death. So, he hired a hunter to find and trap… not kill, a vampire. After his transformation, his wealth and power grew. Still not satisfied, he went after the one person he believed would complete him. His sister. She was his only love. The only person he respected.”

Lu found it difficult to listen. The sound of Michelle’s voice ignited the passion that lay in wait since she’d tasted her.

“Lu? Earth to Lu?” Michelle called, smiling.

“Sorry,” Lu said, as her hands roamed Michelle’s body from thighs to shoulders. Her hips jerking beneath Michelle’s slick flesh.

Michelle bent forward, capturing Lu’s lips in a deep kiss, plundering Lu’s mouth with her tongue. “Never say you’re sorry for wanting me,” Michelle growled.

Lu flipped them over and reached between their bodies to quicken Michelle’s pleasure. Lu was hungry. Michelle’s blood, like her desire, called. Michelle’s moans and breathe quickened and as soon as she screamed Lu’s name, Lu took her fast and deep. Warm, sweet blood coated her mouth, sending her own pleasure over the edge.

Michelle collapsed, boneless onto Lu. Lu held her close as she basked in the tumultuous sensations of the afterglow.

“Goddess, Lu,” Michelle whispered, against Lu’s neck. Voice hoarse from panting and moaning. “I felt that coming but…shit honey. You’re fucking amazing.”

“I love you,” Lu said, and hugged Michelle tight against her chest. Lu waited for the dream to end…again. This was too good to be real. Either she was in heaven or they were fucking with her mind again.

“I’ll never get tired of hearing you say that,” Michelle said, wiggling blonde eyebrows. “And this is real. We are real,” Michelle said, reading Lu’s mind.

“Continue the story before I get distracted, again,” Lu said, feeling her fervor rising, again.

Michelle stared into her eyes for a good minute. Lu could feel the projection of truth weaken her doubting energy. “I promise you are not dead or dreaming,” Michelle said, and then laid down next to Lu. This time, she took Lu’s hand in one of her own, entwining their fingers. “Andoron kidnapped his sister and turned her.”

“That was a bad thing,” Lu said.

“Yup,” Michelle responded. “He told her of his plan to enslave mankind. That their rule would stop the burden of disease on families. No more murders. No more wars. No more suffering. Long story short, humanity would thrive and peace would reign under their rule.”

“Disease?” Lu asked.

“I assume he’d kill anyone who tested positive for terminal diseases,” Michelle said. “Antalyce didn’t go into detail.”

“That’s murder,” Lu said, trying to wrap her mind around the completely psychopathic concept.

“Did I mention he’s nuts? Certifiable? Cracked marbles?” Michelle chuckled when Lu pulled her down for a kiss.

“So, this DST, Dream State Trial, tests vampires…Blood-vampires,” Lu corrected herself.

“Except for those turned by Andoron. He conducts his own series of tests to determine who will be loyal to him. Those who fail, he executes. We keep a registrar of those who pass our tests. Our watchers have photographic memories and know when a vampire is on our lists. If not, we hunt them down.”

“What about Thomas Jonathan Brodan?” Lu asked, her tone softening as she spoke his name.

Michelle sighed, bowing her head.

Lu lost focus when Michelle’s lush blonde hair, skimmed hypersensitive breasts.

Michelle tossed her hair up and around, so it flowed over one shoulder. “Sorry,” she said, blushing.

Lu remained silent while she stared into the deepest truest eyes she’d ever seen.

“Nothing is perfect,” Michelle said, after a moment.

“I disagree,” Lu said, running her nails up and down Michelle’s thighs.

Lu spread her legs as Michelle pressed her body down and slid between them.

“I mean,” Michelle said, smiling, her eyes twinkling in response to Lu’s invitation. “We would have gotten him, but he came to us first. He was the exception to an easy hunt because he was smart and calculating.”

The happiness that burst through Lu’s chest wasn’t hers alone. Getting used to feeling someone else’s moods, would take time. Meanwhile, she’d need to reign in her constant want for Michelle’s affection when in public. They’d have to leave the apartment. Michelle was running out of food.

“How did this happen? Us? You stuck with me through it all. Did you ever doubt me?

“Nope,” Michelle said, running her tongue over Lu’s bottom lip and fingers through her long dark hair. “Never. You read the diary. You know.”

“There were parts missing.” Lu wondered know how she knew.

Michelle stopped all movement and tilted her head. “Like?” she said.

“When you killed me,” Lu said.

Michelle bit into her bottom lip. “I had to.”

“I know. I know,” she said, waving away the awkward moment. “All’s forgiven. The passage wasn’t finished. Something else happened, but I can’t remember. I know you left something out. Like it should be my memory, too.”

“Left out,” Michelle said. “Yes.”

“What?” Lu asked.

“After…I—”

“Staked me. Go on,” Lu said, hoping to ease the spike in Michelle’s guilt.

“I drank your blood. Licked it off the blade. I did not want Alex to know about that. If he did, he would have found a way to kill you, immediately. He would never have allowed the test to take place.”

Lu growled.

“Easy, baby. Our bond, it’s because of the decision I made that night. There’s a thirty percent chance to create a bond between beings such as us. I didn’t think twice. And it worked. When you passed in my arms, my heart shattered. Your soul fluttered through me. I fought to stay alive, not to follow you. I spent the rest of my life searching for you and then keeping you alive. Took a few times but I finally got it right.”

“You’re a little crazy for trusting me,” Lu said, enjoying the love she still didn’t think she deserved.

Michelle’s smile dropped into a pained-look.

“Don’t say it,” Lu said. “I don’t want to leave the apartment. Hell, I don’t want to leave the bed.”

“My love, that’s easy for you to say. I need to eat and drink. I’m dehydrated and starving. So how about a quickie and then shower and food?”

“Oh, fuck, Lu,” Michelle moaned, as Lu pinned her wrists and captured her lips.

****

Their reprieve was over.

Back to reality, Michelle thought, as they walked hand in hand to the nearest Bar and Grill. Michelle. completely immersed in happiness, prepared her mind for the inevitable explosive confrontations. Many DVA agents ate there.

At least Alex wouldn’t be present. The thought of Lu and Alex working together scared her. They hated each other. Antalyce didn’t care or want to know about the dissent in her ranks. All she cared about were results. Successful results. Everyone was dispensable. She’d need to deal with him soon.

“You’re brooding,” Lu said, bumping Michelle’s hip with her own. “I can tell your hiding something.”

“Not hiding,” Michelle responded. Her ability to neutralize her emotions did not work well with Lu. “I want to enjoy this, us, for a short while more before we we’re knee deep in DVA shit.”

Lu crinkled her nose. “I don’t like it. I don’t want you to protect me. If we are in this together, then we are all in.”

“Okay. Okay,” Michelle said, stopping them in the middle of the sidewalk. She cradled both of Lu’s hands in hers, pressing kisses to each. “You are right. I’m sorry. Forgive me?”

Michelle’s mind swam and her belly warmed. Both emotions were Lu’s reactions to her apology.

“Yes,” Lu said.

One more peck on Lu’s lips and Michelle took Lu’s hand and dragged her into the bar.

This is going to be an interesting experience, Michelle thought. At almost midnight it was standing room only. Michelle weaved through the crowd, making sure to hold tight to Lu. Through their connection, she felt Lu’s possessiveness rise and her guard slam down.

“Relax,” Michelle projected.

“I’m trying,” Lu responded.

Michelle slid onto a vacated stool at the end of the bar and made sure Lu’s chest and belly pressed against her back. Lu placed a hand on her thigh. The bartender held up two fingers to Michelle and she nodded. He disappeared into the back to make her usual.

“Are you kidding me?” a woman to Michelle’s left shouted, over the din of the room.

Lu turned dark eyes on the woman.

Michelle stood, placing herself between the two women. “Shut up, Audrey. She passed the test. She’s one of us,” Michelle said, keeping her tone neutral even though the fuse standing behind her had been lit.

“No, she’s not.,” Audrey said.

The bartender placed Michelle’s food bag on the bar and shrugged and smiled. He waved her away, when she dug into her back pocket for her wallet. Michelle threw Audrey a dirty look, grabbed the bag and Lu’s hand and stormed out of the restaurant.

Silent anger and guilt rummaged around in Lu’s mind while they walked, but Michelle didn’t know what to say to calm her. And then and idea hit.

“What?” Lu asked, when Michelle’s mood lifted.

“I have an idea. How about we let off some steam?”

Lu’s licentious smile sent warm tingles through Michelle’s raw nerves. “Goddess, Lu. You’re insatiable.”

“Am I supposed to apologize? Cause I’m not sorry,” Lu smirked.

After recovering from Lu’s sexual assertion, Michelle applauded her new-found confidence. It’d only been the weekend, but so far Lu appeared to be adapting well to the real world. “Never ever be sorry. Unfortunately, we don’t have time for that, now that we know a quickie lasts over an hour,” Michelle laughed. “I have a less appealing idea, but we can’t stay in bed forever.”

“I disagree,” Lu said. “But show me anyway.”

It’s personal. DNA supported. Ancestrally complicated. And none of your damn business.

Okay. Ill give you a bit of something to take away from this obnoxious Diddy.

I don’t fear small minded people. Not my problem.

What I do fear cannot be changed by sitting back and eating popcorn.

The only course of action is take the bull by the balls and swing him around a few times.

Vulnerability speaks above bullshit.

Silence. On the outside.

Strategizing on the inside.

If you listen— the answer will come.

When you close your eyes and shut off your ears — don’t be surprised by an ambush.

Be prepared with a genuine smile

Sincerity emboldens

Believing you know more…is debilitating

Pursue happiness by keeping the know-it-all’s snapping the air at your heels

Observe with a shut mouth.

And finally— your path is your own.

You may find yourself on someone else’s path… or not.

If you allow them to pull you….you will fail the greater goal.

Lessons learned through experience stay forever.

False learning is fair weathered

Peace. Love. Respect

 

 

 

Fire, wind, water, earth and us

Coming at you like a natural disaster

You don’t want to fight

You don’t want to know

Living in a day dream while the rest of us face the nightmare

We stand dead center in the chaos and confusion

Roaring for humanity

Bloody fingers cling to justice

Broken dreams washed away by tears

Screaming to be free

We prepare for the war you ignore

You don’t want to fight

You don’t want to know

Living in a day dream while the rest of us face the nightmare

We won’t let us fall back into the void

A place where voices die

Where power resides in the telling of a lie