Love Never Dies

Posted: March 6, 2019 in Uncategorized
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My grand daughter called upon me for advice. So here it is…Continue to be you. Don’t let anyone…including your mother cause doubt in the direction you’ve chosen. You’re a smart girl. She raised you to be smart, tough and confident. You know what you need, she will guide, but remember, she’s over-protective. On earth, our abilities often are muddled by great emotion and connection. We are best at speaking to those who are emotion-neutral. You’ve got this kiddo.

I didn’t get to meet my Grand daughter on earth, but I see her everyday, persevering in the life she chose. I missed her birth. Unfortunately, I passed forward five months before her grand entrance on earth. She is just one of my eight grand children from my last life. Oh, Georgie… I love my furry grandchildren, too.

A lot of pain followed me leaving. I’m sorry I had to go. I want my children to know that they’ve made me proud. It’s a little crazy where I am. You think the unknown is scary? Try dealing with full disclosure. You all grown and raising those beautiful children makes for a daily party and brag fest with the millions of other souls here. As you probably know, me and my sister are the loudest. I love you! Enjoy the life you live. I will see you all again one day!

It starts inside. Loneliness. You own it. A seed you plant before awareness of the world, the truth of family and tradition. We all seek to fill the void we’ve created, but is it real? Some will tell you it’s not. Confusion will dizzy your mind and make you question what you feel.  You ask, “How do they know?” Because up until now, they knew everything. The older you get the more questions arise building a thick barrier made up of 100x more questions than answers. What once was simple is now a wind storm knocking you back making you rethink your true self. Your goal is at the end of your path that is littered with everyone else’s obstacles, fears and challenges. The journey is daunting and proved so far to be painful. Should you move forward? Yes. Traversing the warnings and forbidding’s from the inside of others is just one of your challenges. Set out to get to where you want to be. In the beginning, if you choose YOU, you will be more alone than you’ve ever felt, especially if fear is the glue that sticks your family and friends together. Truth be told, there is always someone who will try to talk you out of your journey. They will talk about the safety of home and their personal choice. Show you the world ahead through their eyes… their perspective. Remember, you have your own thoughts, desires and goals and you’re already scared and looking for that one reason not to take the first step away from home and the world you know. It is more than likely that their compassionate guidance will turn on you, especially if they were fear-talked out of seeking their hearts desires and the comfort of your stationary presence confirms their choice not to reach their goal. There’s no one more battle worn than someone fighting someone else’s battle. Understand that, when you are where you want to be, there is no fighting and no defending . Your armor is your heart and your weapon… five simple words. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

In return to learn

My spirit hungers for knowledge greater than any pain a challenge offers

Lessons are brutal

The scars I bear are the badges I display in every life I live

I chose them to lift me up or break me into little pieces of reflection

The more times I return insures deeper wounds

Greater feelings

Those around me and with me are handpicked by me

They’ll catch my tears or shove me into the hole I’ve dug for myself

and sometimes are the guides I refuse to hear

I started out a speck of barely anything

My steps forward were short and strenuous

Simple but momentous results did occur

They took on momentum the more I succeeded or failed

A diamond is coal under pressure for billions of years before becoming more

Not difficult to see the similarities

Nature is a blueprint of what we could be

Pay attention

Don’t take nature for granted

We are all part of each other

And never forget

Failure is part of learning

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. The name is as relevant as the person who named it and thus has very little consequence. A rose and its classification as a flower are titles given by the least of the world’s natural entities… human. It’s beauty is ranked in the eye of the individual beholder. There are humans who hate flowers and are disgusted by their presence, just as there are those who find fecal matter the end-all-and-be-all of life. I find myself arguing for the right of my perception to be valid rather than the legitimacy of my view point, more and more these days. The art of semantics. I should write that book. Perhaps after I finish the Waking Up Vampire series. The art of Semantics’ sub-title: Why people live by definition rather than consequence. or.. Why people need to blame a divine entity for their decisions when in reality it is where their consciousness leads them. I’m not exempt from the inconsistency of irrational thought. In fact, I spend a lot of time meditating on this intriguing phenomenon, so much that I can announce, in the moment before a crazy irrational, unreasonable tirade is about to take over my, normally pleasant (Yes. You can laugh) laid back temperament that I’m about to explode. I’m going to write more about this on my blog… after I finish writing/editing the last 200 plus pages of Waking Up Vampire.. in the next two weeks. To tide you over, be my guest and read Twisted Fate, by Mel Evers. A review would be wonderful and truly kiss-your-feet appreciated. Peace

I’m not the only one that sees the vile twinkle in your eye

She doesn’t see it

Blinded by the idea of who you are

Flaunt your past like fashionable attire

A dance of dazzling lies enchants her to the con

Pity is the lure that keeps her attention

I’ve let it go on for too long

That is on me

But now I’m coming for you

I’ll give you the time to get away from her

That’s what I want

Blame me for breaking her heart

that’s okay

Fixing it is part one

Restoring our home as a sanctuary is part two

I know it will take time to undo the toxic spell you’ve groomed into her bones

But that is a Mother’s job and I’ve done it before

Once she is clear of your selfish spree

Forever more the something ugly in your eye

will be me

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m drowning in a sea of other people’s excuses. My nose is above water. I can’t make a sound. My body is moving but I’m not sure if I’m going anywhere because the sky above me changes on its own. If I look down, I will suffocate. Emotional pain has turned physical. My feet cycle around and around and my arms flutter like an injured bird. I try to tread water, but it is pointless. I want to stop. Let go. Drift below the surface with my eyes wide open and I want to scream. That’s not me.

So, what am I to do?

The only way to escape is to let the current take me, to let my body drift until I hit a sand bar where I can rest my overtaxed muscles and more importantly my waning thoughts. I’d lay on my back and stop. Stop thinking. Stop believing I could get on top of it all. Stop the beating of my heart for just a few moments. Hoping that deep pain will subside with it.

The truth is…it will pass and I will wade back into the waves as the small crests grow and the white foam swells and the power of the current sucks me in again. And as always, I will let go and let my body find that place of rest…

*Write about a moment in childhood when you suddenly caught a glimpse of the adult world.

(When my mom had cancer)

-she wore beautiful colorful bandanas
-she was so strong even when weak

She walked through the front door… For the first time in what felt like forever, I got to see her. The image of her weakness did not hide the strength hidden within her. The battle scars were out to show the world what she had endured and conquered. She wore the colorful bandana that covered what once sprouted thick dark brown locks and her body was now frail though just a year before, she could carry a child in each arm with one more pulling at her leg.
Standing on the carpeted blue steps just 10 feet away from the door, my ignorant seven year old legs shook. Was it excitement? Was it pain? Maybe they were eager to run up to her so I could hug her and never let go. What was stopping me? Frozen in my own mind, I could only think of how happy I was to see her. Though I was not told, maybe I knew deep down that what was only three days in the hospital, was almost a lifetime of loss. Almost a year of staying at my cousins house on and off and being taken care of by my dad yet nothing ever occurred to me farther than “mommy is sick.” Almost a year of doctors’ appointments and chemotherapy.
The welcome home banner above my head, decorated by family as what we treated as an art project, represented what was rather than what could have been. Pictures of rainbows, colorful houses and happy stick figures covered the grateful banner. The representation of returning strength and a future with her, rather than without. A future full of hope rather than loss of the most important woman in my life. The woman that took care of me when I was hurt or sick. The one that refused to leave my side when I needed her. That moment is drilled into my mind, will never be just a memory, but a reminder of what I have and what matters. A memory that drives me to hold on to what I have for as long as I can and to not take anyone for granted. A memory that once in a while shows itself to remind me of the moments that could have been lost if things would have been different.
I jump off the stairs and run to her. I have never let go since.

4/16/18