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Walk a day in my shoes
They’re old and worn
and sometimes pushed aside or go unseen
See life through my eyes
passed the dysfunction and sound times balanced on top of an emotion
that occasionally temper my judgments or make me look like a fool
I hold out my hand in peace
You are you, and I am me
Because we both know there is no other true way to be
This is not a religious post.
Most of our life lessons happen because we engage with other people. Some lessons are dropped on our thick heads, but the hard-to-stomach revelations happen when we step back, take inventory of what is happening in our lives, and ask Why?
The sad truth is we push our needs aside in an “attempt” to show people how we want to be treated. And that is what puts us in ruin. Worst case scenario, we spend decades trying to get someone to treat us with the respect you’ve shown them for the same amount.
We ignore treating others as we wish to be treated, a common sense rule, by doing unto them what we want, but in turn, getting disrespected back. All along, they showed us how they wanted to be treated by accepting good treatment by giving little back.
At first, you feel like a hero. You’ve heard their sob stories, jumped on their side against whoever hurt them, and willingly accepted their failures. Why? Because you were raised to accept hardship, believe in honesty, and give second chances. But to what end?
All of us have fallen for a sob story. How long after a failed rescue do you feel guilty for wanting to move on? What happens when guilt becomes part of the rescue? It will happen. After years of putting someone you love first and placing your aspirations on hold, the “victim” will do something that reveals, absolutely, their true selves, they may or may not have anything to do with their past. What do we do then?
Some of us will break, scream, and eventually walk away and spend time learning why we allowed this to happen to us.
Others will allow years of their lives to pass, hoping things will change. Threats and misery will continue for as long as they allow.
Some die miserably.
Some get out and find true happiness.
It’s all up to us.
I treat others the way I wish to be treated, but I won’t stand by allowing others to use my kindness and generosity against me. And no, I won’t lower myself and go against what I believe by treating them the way they treated me.
That’s not me.
It’s hard to walk away from someone you care about. Someone you’ve invested in so much time, energy, and emotion. I find it’s kinder to walk away than stay and make two lives miserable. More than two lives because misery is a parasite.
Be kind to yourself. Rescue comes from within. You can get help but the hardest of the work must be our burden, alone.
The only secrets kept are those we hide inside our minds. The universe shows us the truth in bright bold colors and blaring sounds. For most of us, these cannot be ignored. But for some, ignorance is a lifeline.
Hitler showed us the truth of true evil humans are capable of unleashing. Murder by the millions. Torturous experimentations on children. Recorded the stages of famine, poison, and hopelessness on the human body and mind.
And we didn’t learn.
There are gods people worship blindly who are as just like Hitler. Hypocritical teachings that cause hate and divisions. Not truth but beliefs that infuse people with righteous and violent entitlements.
We aren’t learning.
Now, we have a criminal party vying for positions in what we call the strongest country on the globe. Whose policies are spoken not created? “Pro-life” in reality is Pro-control. Pro-guns = pro-death. The law for one is not the law for the rest. Proven lies Ted Cruz’s accusations about another state’s leader while his constituents were freezing to death, he escaped to a warm climate. Rubio made light of serious charges knowing he would be in jail if he’d stolen classified information.
Humans destroying the earth. The one solid notion of a divine entity that gives us everything we need to live is sick because we are gluttonous. The frog and the scorpion.
Will we ever learn or is our future and society’s future destined to fail because the willful ignorant have given the power to another Hitler?
Two kinds of mindsets. Those who want, take. Those who want, work. We all fall into those two categories, no one is spared. I fall into the Want/Work side. There are always sides. True more so for people who say they don’t take sides or invalidate the sides.
Each side holds a list of personal requirements/beliefs that help a person live and move forward. Claiming a side is not how it’s done. No. To know a person’s truth, you have to listen and observe before speaking. Edits or challenges change the path to truth. To correct thought or observation or point of view in a conversation is fruitless. You stop listening and start dictating. A lot of information is missed when you edit a person’s words to fit your criteria.
That is not a conversation. That is a debate.
Now, I will be challenged. And I should. I grew up in a low to middle class family with its share of dysfunction. Our dynamic included lies, trauma, and the struggle to exist in a narrow-minded system. I didn’t know how narrow-minded it was until I matured. I want push back. Tell me what you really think.
I started life on these misunderstandings:
I didn’t know what cancer was or its severity until my mom was diagnosed and died.
I didn’t know what gay was.
I didn’t know about racism, discrimination, and about religious control or how they negatively affected my childhood mind.
Yes. In my point of view and from what I know after 53 years of living and experiencing, these edits to natural existences, tampered with my growth. Rather than excepting nature’s forever existences like homosexuality, interacial interactions on all levels, jewish people don’t have hooves and horns(not my experience, but a revolting taught lie all the same), god hates, god punishes through murder of the innocent rather than the criminal(Passover), and worst of all men rule. I pushed back on that last one at a very early age. I must have been male in my previous life.
I’ll stop here. For us to live in a symbiotic nation, WE must accept who we are and allow everyone to choose who they are so we can focus on how we are treated by those whose power stems from materials and not honor.
I paid the price of childhood. Grew from love into an angry, watchful protector who bristled bigger and more dangerous than those who dared to stroll into my circle. Married with children, I alone fought the demons that taunted me in my dreams and in my childhood home. Love was sacrificed for stoic indifference. Affection I gave to those I bore and no one else. A warrior from birth I surged into the fight that was life, baring teeth and exposing claws. No one would get near, not even those I held dear. So, alone and determined I kept safe the three lives I would die for.
Fate is not written in stone or blood. Fate, I believe is the outcome of each and every decision a person makes. It’s not fate that knocked me off the path and tore up my feet and soul as it sent me rolling over rough and jagged grounds. Breaking my will, beating my solitary ways to a pulp, just so I could see what kept me distant from the ones I loved. An unexpected kick in the teeth gave me quite the unique 4d perspective. I examined the thick hyperbaric chamber I’d constructed out of fear and ignorance. I didn’t know that there was more out there. The kind and compassionate they made of most of the world.
Ay first, I felt defeated. Tied to a bed by my own body and mind, I turned further inward away from even those I loved because I’d felt that I betrayed them. My only job…gone. My strength and control ripped out from beneath my feet. That little door between me and mine and the rest of the world, closed.
I sank into darkness.
And everyone I pushed away, reached in and dragged me out!
Miraculous patches, Animal medicines, Rieki, spiritualism, karma, chakras, reincarnation, god, the power of the human mind. You get it, right? What is true? Hell if I know, but maybe it’s whatever gets us through life without bowing down to paralyzing fear. Wait…is it fear that brings us to these answers? All I know is that I won’t bow to someone else’s answers. You won’t make me believe if I don’t want to. We all do it. Why? We’re all afraid of what will happen if we don’t. Letting go to be true to ourselves and no one else is the scariest leap any of us will ever endeavor to take.
Death. It seeks all of us. Death = Fate. True and tried. It is the last event of our lives, yet, in most cases, there are more mind changing events before it. Being born is one of the first. Some souls end just before or after. That’s their earth fate. (Read between the lines. I believe in reincarnation. The terrifying idea of death is alleviated by the notion that, one day, I’ll choose to return or remain (Wherever) to party with deceased relatives.) My belief stems from family stories and several personal sightings of ghosts. My conclusion—-reincarnation. I haven’t the foggiest idea how seeing ghosts equates to reincarnation, except as a additive I have dreams of deceased people who give me premonitions into the future. Yup. I do.
Now I’m weird? I believe in ghosts (because I’ve seen and heard them). I trust in the power of the human mind, the power of helping healing energy. I also know that absolutes don’t exist, we are not alone, and we all need help at one time or another. Shame stops us for asking for that help. Fear divides us. Those who perpetuate shame by using fear divide and conquer the brave and courageous among us.
I don’t know if what I believe is true. It’s a belief. Everyone has them. Yet, we are divided, attack each other, have created an us or them mentality. It takes one person to divide thousands of people. There’re no real differences that should cause such a break in society. We all want to be safe. So, do what makes us all safe. How difficult is that? You don’t like something—-don’t do it. If there are things you don’t understand, then accept there not for you. You can want things without them hurting others. If it hurts others, maybe you need to rethink what it is you want. Compromise over selfishness. You are not your sister, aunt, neighbor… Not everyone should be an artist, or heart surgeon. Our differences strengthen out community—-country. Who we love is no one else’s business. Everyone has a right without a fight to their own bodies.
I find it amusing that we, as a people, have fallen into a pick-and-choose religious belief. Religions and churches pop up like weeds and people flock to the fields of wild notions. I’m my own goddess, my own beliefs. I am personally responsible for everything I do and every choice I make…good or bad. I don’t always get it right, and sometimes my actions hurt others. That is my shame to bare, my amends I need to make. You are not me. I am not you. So, why do i sometimes take what someone else says, personally?
I wish I knew. I doubt that 100 years of therapy would bring me to that answer. I only know that I’m wrong for judging how someone else feels because of some deep seated resentment or horrible event that escapes my memory. Observing others while keeping my own mind quiet is revealing. I learn more about someone when they don’t know they’re being watched. I learn even more when I listen as they speak to me, or someone else, without interruption. Facial expressions, hand gesture, and natural mannerisms are telling. My own included.
I’m at the point in my life that what I feel during an experience or conversation, whether it is anger or joy, is significant to learning about myself. Isn’t that what matters most? I have enough to do in my own life than worry about someone else’s….even my children. They are adults now. And yes, it is hard to stay quiet when I believe something that differs from their belief. Unfortunately, if you don’t learn from experience… you won’t learn at all. That’s the burden we all must suffer through.
Okay… I’m done. For now. Peace!!!!
So, we come to me. I am responsible for my actions, reactions, and decisions. I sit on my couch, in this place and time, a culmination of who I am. I won’t say all my decisions were thought out. I’m scarred from childhood drama. Back then, I’d inserted myself into adult subject matters at the lowly age of ten. By thirteen, I’d kicked my father out of the house. Well, more like yelled at him to leave when I’d discovered his infidelity. My heroic gesture opened up a whole new can of maggots. I’d learned just how detached he was to our family. But this isn’t about him. I realize now how detached I’d become to every one else on earth, including my family. My rights became everyone else’s wrong. I became a laughing stock and joke fodder. Miss righteous. Misunderstood. Misguided. I got lost in my tiny pristine world of “if I won’t do it, neither will you.” Is it surprising that i was a republican back then?
I remained stifled until High school. I heard terrible words, insults, judgements…from the adults around me. From my father to the the pope, I learned hate and intolerance. My best friend smoked weed and I almost ended the friendship. Why? Ignorance. Not willful. The difference being I’d no inkling that I could be wrong.
I wasn’t aware of race or homosexuality. Today, I remember hearing derogatory words spoken beneath a dark spotlight. Generations of hate past forward to their children. One defamatory twist of perspective (No facts in sight) taints what is a natural phenomenon, disgracing and distorting its truth, to give power to the ignorant and sometimes willful ignorant power-seeking history-falsifying Marauders. As a human under the burden of others, I was one of them.
Because of the fog hate, though there were many instances of love and affection, I embraced fear and not love.
Fear drew my mind, my health, the safety of my children inward. I saw predators everywhere, therefore it was not I who had to change, but everyone else. I lived in Misery despite adoring my children. They were the only ones who saw my loving nature. I’d die for them. Accept them as is. Unconditional love. Only I could protect them. No one but a few people and for short periods of time, watched them when I’d no choice but to go out. My husband, a good daddy, didn’t fit my idea of bodyguard. To others, I looked unapproachable and intimidating. And then something happened that entirely decimated my already fragile world. Cancer.
Some would say that fear and misery became the cells that threatened to overtake my organs. Eat away at what I couldn’t live without, until I no longer lived. Cancer forced me to make a choice. Continue protecting my children in til I died in a year or so, OR trust others to protect them while I sat in a room for four hours a week, with IV pumping poison through my veins. Who knew that the only way to stop the spiritual darkness destroying my soul was a disease that ate me alive from the inside out. Because of my children, I chose to trust others so I could get better and return to my children. For a year and a half, nauseated, barely able to get out of bed, no hair, puffy complexion, no resemblance to my formidable self, I stopped thinking. All my fears were contained inside surviving, and for the first time in my life, I felt free to just love. Love was what got me through, made me see, and caused me to abandon the path paved by others to make my own path.
to be continued…
Monster are everywhere. Planted by the darkness from other people’s hearts. So, the weight from our own is obscured by those passing theirs on to us. Does it somehow relieve their burden? Is this where “misery loves company” comes from? I thought I grew up fast. Growing suggests maturity. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I learned veiled concepts about the world I lived in without context or understanding. Because of them, I became judge, jury and executioner to those around me. That’s what I despise most about people today. People who make judgements turning them into laws that prevent others from right filled freedoms. Without knowing about what made people work, I decided what they should and shouldn’t do. Religion made it easy rise above the rest. I simply followed the bread crumbs of defiant ignorance priests chewed up and spit out over pews filled with fearful parishioners. I ate up their words as much as anyone else.
But I changed my mind when their words and my experiences did not only diverge but also their Homily’s degraded my person, gender, and role in this world. One Priest told the parishioners that “It wasn’t the snake in the tree that caused humanity’s problems, it was the tomato on the ground.”
That last straw obliterated the camel.
52 years later I’m still looking for me, though I’m closer to the person I am supposed to be rather than the puppet society would have me become.
Our souls send us signals disguised as choices to learn important lessons. We all have potential for success. That’s the total truth. But success is not wealth, materials, or power. It’s simply bettering yourself from whatever situation into which you were born. That includes being born into a wealthy family because power, money, and material things will corrupt our souls. Make people do things to people, those less fortunate or desperate, to keep their “easy” life. So simple and easy becomes hard and desperate for those who are addicted to power.
It took a very long time to begin this cleansing journey. And it’s not easy or simple because what my soul’s knowledge leaks to me is dripped into my human mind. Like I said, the human experience is veiled by all those who come into your life. A ton of veils weighs a ton. As light as a single veil is—- peeling off each one takes enormous effort and time. I have met opposition to my journey at every crossroad since age of 35. I am 52.
I want the truth about who I am so I can find my purpose or at the very least leave this lifetime better for my children. To continue on, I will follow the evidence, the signs that my soul and spirits send me.
My next post will give details of my journey/adventure thus far. From 35 to 52 I’ve a a few unexplainable experiences. They opened my eyes to more than what the eye can see.
To be continued….
As I said, my subconscious is burdened by input from a thousand experiences, some not my own. Even though I’m fully aware of the influence other’s have on my decisions, transitioning from their beliefs and stories to my own is difficult. My mother raised us with affection tainted by her own past fears. She wanted us strong and independent, yet (I didn’t know this until she died) her fears sowed by her childhood corroded the way she raised us. (I have one older sister and two younger brothers).
Did I have a good childhood? Better than some. Worse than others. Every stage of our lives get several small challenges, or one large one we have to overcome to gain a soul level. You know, like in video games, only when we refresh after death, we’re in a different life. Same challenges but with contrasting influences and set of beliefs. According to some religions, we’re born sinful. The natural act of procreating blackens our souls before we take our first breaths. I dropped that belief long ago. In fact, within the last sixteen years (I’m 52), I cleansed my belief system down to one that make sense to me. Really, that’s all that matters. How? My decisions, my thoughts, my actions and reactions…all mine. My soul is my guide. Does it help me knowing this? A little. When I close myself off from everyone else I let my truth surface to engage head-on with anger or happiness, whatever it is I need to face, I do it on my terms.
For example, If I become enraged by someone’s actions, reactions, words, that hurt others despite the judgmental’s unaffected personal life…I, about half the time take a step back to balance my wildly protective instincts.
My mom protected us from everyone and everything except the one person who hurt us most, our father. His childhood molded the way he acted later in life. Religion, indirectly and directly had a lot to do with his dysfunction, but his choices in life were all his own. For years I ignored the contrary mindset. At times he’d say love god and all will be well. On the flip side he’d go on a hate-dripping tirade about other people in and outside of the family.
Do I wish I had different parents? Ha, I chose them as influencers before I returned to the game board. I imagine a meeting of the souls. Contracts are drawn up, roles are picked, and so are our starts and finishes. Though I’d accepted this belief, I had a hard time accepting the roles of the most heinous soul-players pedophiles and psychopaths, but If we are to learn everything, we must experience everything. Knowing this, doesn’t make my anger less sharp or my actions less violent towards these wild cards that are put in place to create lessons. Perhaps not accepting those pedophiles who pose as church clergy or good deed dads in boy scouts etc, is a level I passed in a previous life. Could be I played the role as the molested, or a molester many lives before. All I know for sure is that’s one circumstance I protected my children from, fiercely. I saw predators everywhere I went., even in the family. The threat of death was known to all who went near them without my permission. I didn’t go out. I guess some time in my past I’d been prey to a violent predator, so much that the experience is burned deeply and still painfully in my soul’s memory.
To Be Continued…
We hear about someone’s best laid plans going up in flames and often think, well, that’s not the path given by “God”. “God helps those who help themselves”. The holes in those theories left me wandering in a lonely place with a collar and leash choking me in directions I didn’t wish to go.
Then it hit me.
We are here to make progress. perhaps, other souls are here to challenge/block us or help us move forward. Soul Contracts. The theory then becomes the best laid plans of the soul and how the human mind thwarts our attempts at success. Who is who? That’s the puzzle we created for ourselves before birth. To start, we are given two pieces when we are born. Those two pieces we choose right off the bat. A mother and a father. We’ve picked them specifically to help us grow into our true selves. Remember, depending on how well you listen to your instincts/higher self, the part of you that connects your mind to your soul, you will grow in small increments or leaps and bounds. Your time limit for that those lessons is the duration you’ve planned to live in one lifetime. Don’t worry, there’s no such thing as failure. You’ll have to do it again in your next life. Personal soul growth is what it is. In my case, one parent was loving while the other hateful. I grew up dancing on opposite sides of the emotional spectrum.
So, how did I end up here? And where is here? It wasn’t until their deaths were their lives revealed. Imagine as an adult, a mountain of knowledge falling on your head, that coincide with some memories but not others (as related through a sibling) and certain events finally making sense. Does the knowledge help me help others. Yes and no. Depends solely on the path of the soul you want to help or warn.
To be continued.
Mel Evers wonders about it all 