Posts Tagged ‘progress’

*Write about a moment in childhood when you suddenly caught a glimpse of the adult world.

(When my mom had cancer)

-she wore beautiful colorful bandanas
-she was so strong even when weak

She walked through the front door… For the first time in what felt like forever, I got to see her. The image of her weakness did not hide the strength hidden within her. The battle scars were out to show the world what she had endured and conquered. She wore the colorful bandana that covered what once sprouted thick dark brown locks and her body was now frail though just a year before, she could carry a child in each arm with one more pulling at her leg.
Standing on the carpeted blue steps just 10 feet away from the door, my ignorant seven year old legs shook. Was it excitement? Was it pain? Maybe they were eager to run up to her so I could hug her and never let go. What was stopping me? Frozen in my own mind, I could only think of how happy I was to see her. Though I was not told, maybe I knew deep down that what was only three days in the hospital, was almost a lifetime of loss. Almost a year of staying at my cousins house on and off and being taken care of by my dad yet nothing ever occurred to me farther than “mommy is sick.” Almost a year of doctors’ appointments and chemotherapy.
The welcome home banner above my head, decorated by family as what we treated as an art project, represented what was rather than what could have been. Pictures of rainbows, colorful houses and happy stick figures covered the grateful banner. The representation of returning strength and a future with her, rather than without. A future full of hope rather than loss of the most important woman in my life. The woman that took care of me when I was hurt or sick. The one that refused to leave my side when I needed her. That moment is drilled into my mind, will never be just a memory, but a reminder of what I have and what matters. A memory that drives me to hold on to what I have for as long as I can and to not take anyone for granted. A memory that once in a while shows itself to remind me of the moments that could have been lost if things would have been different.
I jump off the stairs and run to her. I have never let go since.

4/16/18

You awoke with anger, affection and blinding fear. You waged a battle between right and wrong as others tried to banish your soul. You cry in the shadows and smile under the sun. You do your best to balance my mind even through times of pain. The ache you encompass me in is at times confusing. It feels good or it renders me helpless. 

When I lash out, you bind my wrists and gag my mouth, but nothing can stop the tears from falling. The power you wield banishes the fury of my roar, muffles the sounds of ecstasy. two sounds which expose my weaknesses. 

Love, you know what I need even when I don’t. The fight between us is everlasting, raw and sometimes bloody. You’ve effectively groomed my rage, testing me, prodding my tender thoughts pushing my soul to experience raw life. 

During my stint in dire straits you forced me to fight against who I thought I was to become who I was supposed to be. Not an easy task when all I saw was a target placed over my heart. People not seeing inside was why I’d built the wall in the first place. In one second, in one diagnosis you slammed through my barriers and forced me to open. To ask for help and let others see all my vulnerabilities. I cowered at first. Rolled up into a ball like a fetus in my mother’s womb. Which is ironic since life had pushed me back to that place where I was helpless without others. Would have most likely died without their assistance.

Epiphany. Thank you, my love for showing me that you exist both inside and out. That you are more than the heart within me. You are an extension of those willing to become a part of me. To accept me. To take my hand and offer their strength when I feel I have none. 

Love is me returning the nurture, the power, the giving, the healing without expectation. To carry those in need to a safe place in their own hearts. Like me, you see it from where you stand. The journey across the tumultuous line is long but not far. I know. 

 

Sincerely,

M.E.

A ring shatters the night calm

Shakes the sanity from deep inside

I know who it’s about

My heart rushes up into my throat

Rushed words

Despite our distance

We speed to the hospital

You never came to us, but we run to you

Heart over mind

Love devouring anger

No time for the past

Later or never

We run to you after you ran away from us

Reasons be damned

Tears will fall either way

When we say goodbye

The tether between us, snaps

Pain

Good or bad

We are who we are

End The CON

Posted: December 1, 2017 in life lessons, ME
Tags: , ,

Don’t know. I just don’t know. What will it take? Sexual assault is not funny and is a bright red flag to a person’s tarnished personality. Pedophilia is not something you forget or forgive. Nazi’s are bad. White supremacists are bad. Women who support them are mentally caged. Breaks my heart to see people make light of these situations. That is a problem in this country. Men strong armed women’s rights away. They claim god is on their side. Assigned it a masculine pronoun. No one sees all the wrong in that?

Words from a dream skitter across wakeful thoughts

A heart beat before I’m dead

Every bad and all the good—relived

Pain and joy close, never touching

Moments in between to decide

And then it begins

Peace and lavender haze surrounds my floating soul

visons beyond feeling dance in the shadows

Living between breaths takes courage

I succeeded and failed well

Now what?

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

It’s the end of the world as know, I feel fine

That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
Birds, snakes, and aeroplanes
Lenny Bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs
Feed it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength
Ladder start to clatter with fear, fight down height
Wire in a fire, representing seven games
A government for hire and a combat site
Left of west and coming in a hurry
With the furies breathing down your neck

Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped
Look at that low playing! Fine, then
Uh oh, overflow, population, common food
But it’ll do
Save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right
Right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Six o’clock, TV hour
Don’t get caught in foreign towers
Slash and burn, return
Listen to yourself churn
Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting
Every motive escalate
Automotive incinerate
Light a candle, light a votive
Step down, step down
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh
This means no fear cavalier
Renegade steer clear!
A tournament, tournament, a tournament of lies
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

The other night I dreamt of knives
Continental drift divide
Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein
Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom!
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right?
Right!

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Songwriters: JOHN MICHAEL STIPE, MICHAEL E. MILLS, PETER LAWRENCE BUCK, WILLIAM THOMAS BERRY
© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group

Twisted Fate

Posted: November 5, 2017 in Book reviews, Novels
Tags: , , , , , ,

The FINAL version of Twisted Fate will be downloaded for update on kindle within 2 months. Now reworking Waking Up Vampire. I’ve read and reread all reviews and will be applying fixes clearing up grammatical errors and confusing events. Waking Up Vampire was the first step into this amazing journey of writing fantasy. Except, most of the issues faced by the main character are real and I–at the beginning– hadn’t acknowledged I had a problem. I thought everyone had a difficult childhood–right? Well, after the first draft hit the printer and I began the editing process, memories I’d repressed made me realize that the guarded soul I’d become as an adult was just trying to protect the little girl inside me who’d been victimized. I probably went through thirty rewrites before finally finding comfort in the most recent version. And here I am again doing the new perception review and finding I’ve grown some more. Time for another rewrite. It won’t change much because the events are the same, but I have a new and better understanding of my journey and I dearly want to express it to you. So Waking Up Vampire will be coming to you in a better updated and final version in the near future.

Bear with me.

Life is hard, but we’re all works in progress and we all get tripped up. I have come to a conclusion with Waking Up Vampire-The sequel. I found the best ending to that story both appeases the characters and my sane mind. I haven’t titled it yet. The present mind is always easier to puzzle out than that of the child I’d been. So. With that said, I do have many more stories and characters waiting on the back burner ready to be fleshed out and sent on their way into my crazy worlds.

I will let you know when I’ve updated Twisted fate on Kindle. Thank you and Peace.FINAL TW.F.