Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Monster are everywhere. Planted by the darkness from other people’s hearts. So, the weight from our own is obscured by those passing theirs on to us. Does it somehow relieve their burden? Is this where “misery loves company” comes from? I thought I grew up fast. Growing suggests maturity. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I learned veiled concepts about the world I lived in without context or understanding. Because of them, I became judge, jury and executioner to those around me. That’s what I despise most about people today. People who make judgements turning them into laws that prevent others from right filled freedoms. Without knowing about what made people work, I decided what they should and shouldn’t do. Religion made it easy rise above the rest. I simply followed the bread crumbs of defiant ignorance priests chewed up and spit out over pews filled with fearful parishioners. I ate up their words as much as anyone else.

But I changed my mind when their words and my experiences did not only diverge but also their Homily’s degraded my person, gender, and role in this world. One Priest told the parishioners that “It wasn’t the snake in the tree that caused humanity’s problems, it was the tomato on the ground.”

That last straw obliterated the camel.

52 years later I’m still looking for me, though I’m closer to the person I am supposed to be rather than the puppet society would have me become.

Our souls send us signals disguised as choices to learn important lessons. We all have potential for success. That’s the total truth. But success is not wealth, materials, or power. It’s simply bettering yourself from whatever situation into which you were born. That includes being born into a wealthy family because power, money, and material things will corrupt our souls. Make people do things to people, those less fortunate or desperate, to keep their “easy” life. So simple and easy becomes hard and desperate for those who are addicted to power.

It took a very long time to begin this cleansing journey. And it’s not easy or simple because what my soul’s knowledge leaks to me is dripped into my human mind. Like I said, the human experience is veiled by all those who come into your life. A ton of veils weighs a ton. As light as a single veil is—- peeling off each one takes enormous effort and time. I have met opposition to my journey at every crossroad since age of 35. I am 52.

I want the truth about who I am so I can find my purpose or at the very least leave this lifetime better for my children. To continue on, I will follow the evidence, the signs that my soul and spirits send me.

My next post will give details of my journey/adventure thus far. From 35 to 52 I’ve a a few unexplainable experiences. They opened my eyes to more than what the eye can see.

To be continued….

As I said, my subconscious is burdened by input from a thousand experiences, some not my own. Even though I’m fully aware of the influence other’s have on my decisions, transitioning from their beliefs and stories to my own is difficult. My mother raised us with affection tainted by her own past fears. She wanted us strong and independent, yet (I didn’t know this until she died) her fears sowed by her childhood corroded the way she raised us. (I have one older sister and two younger brothers).

Did I have a good childhood? Better than some. Worse than others. Every stage of our lives get several small challenges, or one large one we have to overcome to gain a soul level. You know, like in video games, only when we refresh after death, we’re in a different life. Same challenges but with contrasting influences and set of beliefs. According to some religions, we’re born sinful. The natural act of procreating blackens our souls before we take our first breaths. I dropped that belief long ago. In fact, within the last sixteen years (I’m 52), I cleansed my belief system down to one that make sense to me. Really, that’s all that matters. How? My decisions, my thoughts, my actions and reactions…all mine. My soul is my guide. Does it help me knowing this? A little. When I close myself off from everyone else I let my truth surface to engage head-on with anger or happiness, whatever it is I need to face, I do it on my terms.

For example, If I become enraged by someone’s actions, reactions, words, that hurt others despite the judgmental’s unaffected personal life…I, about half the time take a step back to balance my wildly protective instincts.

My mom protected us from everyone and everything except the one person who hurt us most, our father. His childhood molded the way he acted later in life. Religion, indirectly and directly had a lot to do with his dysfunction, but his choices in life were all his own. For years I ignored the contrary mindset. At times he’d say love god and all will be well. On the flip side he’d go on a hate-dripping tirade about other people in and outside of the family.

Do I wish I had different parents? Ha, I chose them as influencers before I returned to the game board. I imagine a meeting of the souls. Contracts are drawn up, roles are picked, and so are our starts and finishes. Though I’d accepted this belief, I had a hard time accepting the roles of the most heinous soul-players pedophiles and psychopaths, but If we are to learn everything, we must experience everything. Knowing this, doesn’t make my anger less sharp or my actions less violent towards these wild cards that are put in place to create lessons. Perhaps not accepting those pedophiles who pose as church clergy or good deed dads in boy scouts etc, is a level I passed in a previous life. Could be I played the role as the molested, or a molester many lives before. All I know for sure is that’s one circumstance I protected my children from, fiercely. I saw predators everywhere I went., even in the family. The threat of death was known to all who went near them without my permission. I didn’t go out. I guess some time in my past I’d been prey to a violent predator, so much that the experience is burned deeply and still painfully in my soul’s memory.

To Be Continued…

Best Laid Plans Of The Soul

We hear about someone’s best laid plans going up in flames and often think, well, that’s not the path given by “God”. “God helps those who help themselves”. The holes in those theories left me wandering in a lonely place with a collar and leash choking me in directions I didn’t wish to go.

Then it hit me.

We are here to make progress. perhaps, other souls are here to challenge/block us or help us move forward. Soul Contracts. The theory then becomes the best laid plans of the soul and how the human mind thwarts our attempts at success. Who is who? That’s the puzzle we created for ourselves before birth. To start, we are given two pieces when we are born. Those two pieces we choose right off the bat. A mother and a father. We’ve picked them specifically to help us grow into our true selves. Remember, depending on how well you listen to your instincts/higher self, the part of you that connects your mind to your soul, you will grow in small increments or leaps and bounds. Your time limit for that those lessons is the duration you’ve planned to live in one lifetime. Don’t worry, there’s no such thing as failure. You’ll have to do it again in your next life. Personal soul growth is what it is. In my case, one parent was loving while the other hateful. I grew up dancing on opposite sides of the emotional spectrum.

So, how did I end up here? And where is here? It wasn’t until their deaths were their lives revealed. Imagine as an adult, a mountain of knowledge falling on your head, that coincide with some memories but not others (as related through a sibling) and certain events finally making sense. Does the knowledge help me help others. Yes and no. Depends solely on the path of the soul you want to help or warn.

To be continued.

Graphite swirls, lovely chords the making of a dream

Have them, perhaps want them

too afraid to move ahead

a soul’s journey endures nicks and bruises, sometimes…

No. A lot of times grief.

Pain. Tears. Currency for personal flight

The energy within is what brings war. life. punishments, or reward

choice

Move ahead one step

We have.

Blood creates life, takes it, molds it.

Not one or the other.

All.

This is not a fight for superiority

but for visibility

if you see us and trample over us that is on you

If you don’t see us

Pass right on through, that is on us

As we are all one

damage to one will be all our fall

So

See me, see you

and answer the call.

Nothingful: Continued

Posted: March 6, 2021 in Uncategorized

Emotionally dampening challenges include stepping in poop, getting rear-ended, battling a loved-one, slamming our elbow on a counter corner, or… you get the picture. For some reason we think we are either cursed or punished for something that happened or possible did. That is wrong. It’s not the shit that happens to us but what we do about that counts.

Three weeks ago, my car was hit and totaled. Two weeks ago, shingles attacked my thigh. And then, at my emotional lowest, I attacked (verbally) my daughter. The subject matter is of no consequence. She’s an adult. And If I’ve learned anything, shouting does not make for a conversation, and it is her right to learn from Success and failure on her won. Mother’s know… letting failures happen to their child is excruciating.. Let me say, that if this by-standing influencer took responsibility for their actions, lifted some of the burdens, showed any amount of respect for their partner…well, I’d still be concerned… but less so. SEE that’s me, myself and I wrongfully putting myself in her shoes (while she’s still in them, and trying to force her to walk MY way. This is where my emotions muddy the clarity of the whole situation. I walked away from my outburst feeling demoralized and doubt-filled. Ugh. The overcharged battle I fought turned inward and vicious. Rage cut deep into my ego, causing it to lash out against everything I’ve strived for in my life.

That’s where I lost me.

.I am not my daughter. My daughter is not me.

That night, I fought for the Nothingful. Damn that’s hard when it’s your child your “trying to save from themselves”. It felt like a part of me went dark. Empty. The resulting pain from total disconnection is brief but essential. You know you’re alive, want to exist, but for a brief time, every emotion you’ve ever felt, each piece of information thought you knew inside and out, all the layers of other people’s beliefs, desires, dreams…drop away. And that’s when the truth of just me emerged. Unsettling as the epiphanies were, I understood. Not only is my daughter not me, she isn’t the list of adjectives I believed made up her person. I knew, at once that despite outside influences, including myself, she must decide who she is and what she wants all on her own. Her path is not for me to pave. The Nothingful helped me resolve my inner angst. This understanding kept the needless burden of recreating who she is, from crushing my soul. Ego pushes us to be unnecessarily selfish. Emotions fuel ego. Working on my happiness, path, and clarity ARE good selfish motives. How can you tell the difference? Does your happy depend on your own actions or others? Peace!!! My journey continues. Tell me about yours in IMs

I call it nothingfull. Sounds weird, I know. It’s a personal inside myself place I go to regroup; a type of meditation that allows for all and nothing to combine intrusive and my personal energies. Nothingfull helps me see through the clutter, grooming, layers of fodder other people have placed on me to validate themselves while destroying what I want. The universe sent signs. Showed rather than told me the path to take. After several failed attempts to open my eyes, one hit me square in the face. The universe forced a split second choice for me to act or let go. I let go. The single moment, none emotion action, that led immediately to a saving force, left me with a lot to think about. Unfortunately, I thought, pondered, and meditated on the lesson but not what I’d learned. And then it happened again. Only this time my life was put in peril, imminent death. Split second action or not? I let go, and reacted in exactly the right way. The instant turning of the steering wheel and protective guidance by an otherworldly presence saved my life. The lesson continued months later, with as usual, an unexpected challenge. With head-on collision a few seconds away, I let go, watched in slow motion, the speeding car coming at me (he was straddling the yellow line, blasting his way ahead of the flow of cars on his right). Nowhere to go, I watched him approach, until the last moment when I reached forward and turned the wheel ever so slightly (had to avoid the stream of oblivious motorists on my right) and managed to put just enough room between us. I watched this young angry man race by me and felt nothing. No anger. No fear. I went home as if nothing happened. The next day, I told my partner, Billy.

Can you…live in the moment? Breathe through one minute of self awareness, without thinking of anything or anyone else? Focus solely on who you are and what you’re feeling based on your desires, alone? Can you do it for one minute without distraction?

She’s Sniffing Plastic Roses

Posted: February 14, 2021 in Uncategorized

A drum roll cascades, flowing through a field of plastic roses

their fragrance only imagined in her wildest dreams

Her beauty lies within and without touching all but one

He buys her plastic flowers with her blood, bones, life

but she delights in them anyway

despite his emotional flight

Eyes closed, mind wiped, she sniffs his plastic flowers

her mind in a euphoriant respite

Witnesses die in their appeal for hours

hoping one day for her mind to open up.

Control: The Myth

Posted: December 17, 2020 in Uncategorized

When you hit a parked car, did you wish you had control of your car? You steer, accelerate, brake, turn, stop, go, but when it really counts, none of that matters. Black ice can and will ruin a perfectly acceptable belief. Don’t worry. No one owns the right to control. Not you, me, or whatever god you believe in. Control doesn’t exist. Laws exist. They’re written down and mostly observed. Mostly. Sometimes they’re not penalized for breaking. So much for laws. They’re someone else’s rules…right? Why should we adhere?

Murder. “Thou shall not kill.” Well, Oh gee. Thanks. How many people die at the hands of others each day? We can’t even say we have control over whether we can kill someone. I certainly can’t. Before children, I didn’t think I had it in me. Now… well. I think I do. And who’s to say, with absolute certainty, that we have control of our own reactions? Police murder. Priests rape. Governments fail. Police, priests, and governments are sworn to protect. Uh huh. People forget that they are people like me and you. Some are: selfish, criminals, sociopaths, narcissists, kind, compassionate, giving, taking, on and on. You see what I’m getting at. There’s no magic device that brands labels on everyone’s foreheads telling what each of us is truly capable of doing.

Choice is key, but still a crapshoot. And there’s always a choice. They may stink, but… Still you have a choice. Control is lacking in the outcome. Someone could point a gun to your head, a knife to the throat of someone you love and demand you make a choice as to who lives. Both choices suck, but…still you’re making a choice. An extreme example? Yup. You’d be surprised how many people feel the same trepidation with more mundane crossroads. Both answers feel like the end of the world, so it comes down with, which can you live with that will cause the least amount of pain. Which sacrifice are you willing to make?

Control is perception. Someone with knowledge, education, experience, tells you to do something, or not to do something that will save you or someone else’s life, for instance seatbelts, car seats, safety regulations, jumping off a bridge, sky diving without a parachute, sticking to a speed limit, stopping at red lights and stop signs… so on and so forth, and you follow or don’t follow their law, recommendation, or warning,— your choice/reaction and subsequent consequence despite reasoning, excuse, or perspective—is on you.

People say fear is a controlling factor in how we are manhandled. Biologically, fear is a warning for caution. We feel fear, fight, flight, freeze, but it’s our internal system that reacts to terror… not fear. In most cases we feel fear of an up and coming event, a choice to stay put or move forward, driving for the first time, walking into a room with drunk people and not feeling safe (fear of personal harm), in terms of our current predicament )wearing masks, social distancing, being careful to not spread a deadly disease to the old, immunocompromised, already sick…getting them sick and possibly killing them. That’s fear…caution… perhaps a little bit of empathy and compassion. No one is hold a gun to your head…which is where terror (fight, flight, freeze is an appropriate biological response.

Do what will help others, or what may help others. Figure out why you rally against what you think is control. Sometimes rethinking a belief you were taught to fight against is a personal day terror rather than fear, a warning…caution. Look around. Talk to people. Let go of those internal burdens, restraints, voices coming from others. You’d be surprised at the moments of peace you feel at those times. We may not have control over them but at reprieve that allows comparisons, free thoughts and if I dare say… freewill.

So control… no such thing.