Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Graphite swirls, lovely chords the making of a dream

Have them, perhaps want them

too afraid to move ahead

a soul’s journey endures nicks and bruises, sometimes…

No. A lot of times grief.

Pain. Tears. Currency for personal flight

The energy within is what brings war. life. punishments, or reward

choice

Move ahead one step

We have.

Blood creates life, takes it, molds it.

Not one or the other.

All.

This is not a fight for superiority

but for visibility

if you see us and trample over us that is on you

If you don’t see us

Pass right on through, that is on us

As we are all one

damage to one will be all our fall

So

See me, see you

and answer the call.

Nothingful: Continued

Posted: March 6, 2021 in Uncategorized

Emotionally dampening challenges include stepping in poop, getting rear-ended, battling a loved-one, slamming our elbow on a counter corner, or… you get the picture. For some reason we think we are either cursed or punished for something that happened or possible did. That is wrong. It’s not the shit that happens to us but what we do about that counts.

Three weeks ago, my car was hit and totaled. Two weeks ago, shingles attacked my thigh. And then, at my emotional lowest, I attacked (verbally) my daughter. The subject matter is of no consequence. She’s an adult. And If I’ve learned anything, shouting does not make for a conversation, and it is her right to learn from Success and failure on her won. Mother’s know… letting failures happen to their child is excruciating.. Let me say, that if this by-standing influencer took responsibility for their actions, lifted some of the burdens, showed any amount of respect for their partner…well, I’d still be concerned… but less so. SEE that’s me, myself and I wrongfully putting myself in her shoes (while she’s still in them, and trying to force her to walk MY way. This is where my emotions muddy the clarity of the whole situation. I walked away from my outburst feeling demoralized and doubt-filled. Ugh. The overcharged battle I fought turned inward and vicious. Rage cut deep into my ego, causing it to lash out against everything I’ve strived for in my life.

That’s where I lost me.

.I am not my daughter. My daughter is not me.

That night, I fought for the Nothingful. Damn that’s hard when it’s your child your “trying to save from themselves”. It felt like a part of me went dark. Empty. The resulting pain from total disconnection is brief but essential. You know you’re alive, want to exist, but for a brief time, every emotion you’ve ever felt, each piece of information thought you knew inside and out, all the layers of other people’s beliefs, desires, dreams…drop away. And that’s when the truth of just me emerged. Unsettling as the epiphanies were, I understood. Not only is my daughter not me, she isn’t the list of adjectives I believed made up her person. I knew, at once that despite outside influences, including myself, she must decide who she is and what she wants all on her own. Her path is not for me to pave. The Nothingful helped me resolve my inner angst. This understanding kept the needless burden of recreating who she is, from crushing my soul. Ego pushes us to be unnecessarily selfish. Emotions fuel ego. Working on my happiness, path, and clarity ARE good selfish motives. How can you tell the difference? Does your happy depend on your own actions or others? Peace!!! My journey continues. Tell me about yours in IMs

I call it nothingfull. Sounds weird, I know. It’s a personal inside myself place I go to regroup; a type of meditation that allows for all and nothing to combine intrusive and my personal energies. Nothingfull helps me see through the clutter, grooming, layers of fodder other people have placed on me to validate themselves while destroying what I want. The universe sent signs. Showed rather than told me the path to take. After several failed attempts to open my eyes, one hit me square in the face. The universe forced a split second choice for me to act or let go. I let go. The single moment, none emotion action, that led immediately to a saving force, left me with a lot to think about. Unfortunately, I thought, pondered, and meditated on the lesson but not what I’d learned. And then it happened again. Only this time my life was put in peril, imminent death. Split second action or not? I let go, and reacted in exactly the right way. The instant turning of the steering wheel and protective guidance by an otherworldly presence saved my life. The lesson continued months later, with as usual, an unexpected challenge. With head-on collision a few seconds away, I let go, watched in slow motion, the speeding car coming at me (he was straddling the yellow line, blasting his way ahead of the flow of cars on his right). Nowhere to go, I watched him approach, until the last moment when I reached forward and turned the wheel ever so slightly (had to avoid the stream of oblivious motorists on my right) and managed to put just enough room between us. I watched this young angry man race by me and felt nothing. No anger. No fear. I went home as if nothing happened. The next day, I told my partner, Billy.

Can you…live in the moment? Breathe through one minute of self awareness, without thinking of anything or anyone else? Focus solely on who you are and what you’re feeling based on your desires, alone? Can you do it for one minute without distraction?

She’s Sniffing Plastic Roses

Posted: February 14, 2021 in Uncategorized

A drum roll cascades, flowing through a field of plastic roses

their fragrance only imagined in her wildest dreams

Her beauty lies within and without touching all but one

He buys her plastic flowers with her blood, bones, life

but she delights in them anyway

despite his emotional flight

Eyes closed, mind wiped, she sniffs his plastic flowers

her mind in a euphoriant respite

Witnesses die in their appeal for hours

hoping one day for her mind to open up.

Control: The Myth

Posted: December 17, 2020 in Uncategorized

When you hit a parked car, did you wish you had control of your car? You steer, accelerate, brake, turn, stop, go, but when it really counts, none of that matters. Black ice can and will ruin a perfectly acceptable belief. Don’t worry. No one owns the right to control. Not you, me, or whatever god you believe in. Control doesn’t exist. Laws exist. They’re written down and mostly observed. Mostly. Sometimes they’re not penalized for breaking. So much for laws. They’re someone else’s rules…right? Why should we adhere?

Murder. “Thou shall not kill.” Well, Oh gee. Thanks. How many people die at the hands of others each day? We can’t even say we have control over whether we can kill someone. I certainly can’t. Before children, I didn’t think I had it in me. Now… well. I think I do. And who’s to say, with absolute certainty, that we have control of our own reactions? Police murder. Priests rape. Governments fail. Police, priests, and governments are sworn to protect. Uh huh. People forget that they are people like me and you. Some are: selfish, criminals, sociopaths, narcissists, kind, compassionate, giving, taking, on and on. You see what I’m getting at. There’s no magic device that brands labels on everyone’s foreheads telling what each of us is truly capable of doing.

Choice is key, but still a crapshoot. And there’s always a choice. They may stink, but… Still you have a choice. Control is lacking in the outcome. Someone could point a gun to your head, a knife to the throat of someone you love and demand you make a choice as to who lives. Both choices suck, but…still you’re making a choice. An extreme example? Yup. You’d be surprised how many people feel the same trepidation with more mundane crossroads. Both answers feel like the end of the world, so it comes down with, which can you live with that will cause the least amount of pain. Which sacrifice are you willing to make?

Control is perception. Someone with knowledge, education, experience, tells you to do something, or not to do something that will save you or someone else’s life, for instance seatbelts, car seats, safety regulations, jumping off a bridge, sky diving without a parachute, sticking to a speed limit, stopping at red lights and stop signs… so on and so forth, and you follow or don’t follow their law, recommendation, or warning,— your choice/reaction and subsequent consequence despite reasoning, excuse, or perspective—is on you.

People say fear is a controlling factor in how we are manhandled. Biologically, fear is a warning for caution. We feel fear, fight, flight, freeze, but it’s our internal system that reacts to terror… not fear. In most cases we feel fear of an up and coming event, a choice to stay put or move forward, driving for the first time, walking into a room with drunk people and not feeling safe (fear of personal harm), in terms of our current predicament )wearing masks, social distancing, being careful to not spread a deadly disease to the old, immunocompromised, already sick…getting them sick and possibly killing them. That’s fear…caution… perhaps a little bit of empathy and compassion. No one is hold a gun to your head…which is where terror (fight, flight, freeze is an appropriate biological response.

Do what will help others, or what may help others. Figure out why you rally against what you think is control. Sometimes rethinking a belief you were taught to fight against is a personal day terror rather than fear, a warning…caution. Look around. Talk to people. Let go of those internal burdens, restraints, voices coming from others. You’d be surprised at the moments of peace you feel at those times. We may not have control over them but at reprieve that allows comparisons, free thoughts and if I dare say… freewill.

So control… no such thing.

Respect. Does it storm at home? We’re not conceived parents, guardians, or public authorities. The ideals, attitudes, and motivations come from a variety of minds. Love (if applicable) is where our grooming begins. Respect is earned, not freely given. In the void of intimate connection and biological understanding, compassion ceases to exist, paving the way for harsh judgment. We project internal disappointment onto others. Mirrors are not reflections of ourselves, but of what we want to be, forcing others to appear as the image you cannot achieve. Self-loathing spreads from the heart to the mind to darken our souls. Some know it as a warning. Others use the deceptions and distortions of their true selves to burden whole societies, ultimately creating ways to oppress those who refuse their misguidance. Respect dies when society adapts to false beliefs regarding skin color, sexual orientation, wealth, poverty, religion, instead of praising our eclectic differences as strengths as a whole. Pay attention to the world around you. Change is coming to create chaos before peace. Roles are played. Sacrifices are made. In the end, born from blood and suffering, a new and better world will emerge. Hate will return as the boogeyman from the past.

Becoming Woman

Posted: September 9, 2019 in Uncategorized

via Becoming Woman

It starts inside. Loneliness. You own it. A seed you plant before awareness of the world, the truth of family and tradition. We all seek to fill the void we’ve created, but is it real? Some will tell you it’s not. Confusion will dizzy your mind and make you question what you feel.  You ask, “How do they know?” Because up until now, they knew everything. The older you get the more questions arise building a thick barrier made up of 100x more questions than answers. What once was simple is now a wind storm knocking you back making you rethink your true self. Your goal is at the end of your path that is littered with everyone else’s obstacles, fears and challenges. The journey is daunting and proved so far to be painful. Should you move forward? Yes. Traversing the warnings and forbidding’s from the inside of others is just one of your challenges. Set out to get to where you want to be. In the beginning, if you choose YOU, you will be more alone than you’ve ever felt, especially if fear is the glue that sticks your family and friends together. Truth be told, there is always someone who will try to talk you out of your journey. They will talk about the safety of home and their personal choice. Show you the world ahead through their eyes… their perspective. Remember, you have your own thoughts, desires and goals and you’re already scared and looking for that one reason not to take the first step away from home and the world you know. It is more than likely that their compassionate guidance will turn on you, especially if they were fear-talked out of seeking their hearts desires and the comfort of your stationary presence confirms their choice not to reach their goal. There’s no one more battle worn than someone fighting someone else’s battle. Understand that, when you are where you want to be, there is no fighting and no defending . Your armor is your heart and your weapon… five simple words. This. Is. Who. I. Am.