Archive for January, 2014

Ever get stuck in a cognitive holding pattern? You don’t want to think, you just want to do? I have. Many times in the last forty-five years, I’ve taken a step sideways from the present and put my movements and responses on autopilot. Usually before or after a possible life changing event I would just stop. Stop thinking linearly, stop communicating with others and get frustrated when people try to converse with me.  I’ll go about my day running on muscle memory.  I know what have to do, what needs to be done and I do it automatically all the while pondering how to control the new path my life will take. Sometimes it feels like I’ve locked myself in a glass suit. The outside world becomes a gigantic fun house where everywhere you look, you’re faced with that life changing event and there’s no escape until the event is actually upon you.

Solution: I have no idea. The progress I’ve made has to do with timing. I used to start this process many weeks prior to an event. Now I’m down to a day or two. Maybe because I’ve relinquished control over things I can’t change or perhaps I’ve been subdued, forced to face my own humanity and its limits.

I’d love to know your thoughts.  

Littlemissdarkness….Follow me into the beauty of Dark..

Littlemissdarkness is not dark or depressing.

A guide into things that aren’t easy to see or understand.

Step into the dark and let me show you what you Can’t see.

There is more to us than the sometimes unbearable darkness. Reach out to find what is not always seen. Beauty isn’t always fed by light. Sometimes beauty is the dark. Faith and love are two powerful entities that can only be felt.

Me…the forever changing spirit.

I posted a summary of what I’ve been through in this lifetime, but that’s not who I am. Writing about what makes me whole will be more difficult and a challenge I am willing to accept. I could simply say I do not like pickled herring, or cows tongue and balk at anything that has the consistency of mucous. Ugh. Okay, so let’s see.

I’m not perfect. I have endearing flaws and annoying quirks. I laugh when something is funny… or not so funny. I have a tendency to laugh when someone gets hurt (not tragically) in an unusual way, but that’s a family trait. My children are not fond of that particular trait. One day I can be completely high on life, when someone cuts me off, I sigh. Then there are days when I want to bite the world in the ass. Those days are fortunately fewer and far between.

I’d like to say I’m one hundred percent non-judgmental, but that would be inaccurate. There are times I am vulnerable. And those are the times when I make judgments. If I’m feeling bad about myself, thinking I’m unworthy, ugly, stupid and so on, I project these negative traits onto others. Where I normally would smile at someone who is frowning, I instead make a judgment about how inconsiderate they are to add their issue to my, already, destructive state of mind. Once again, as I progress into personal acceptance these occurrences are on the verge of extinction.

My actions do and don’t reflect who I am. Each individual moment can steer me in many directions. If I’m stressed, I will react in an irritated manner. What I am feeling at that time will guide the course of my reaction and so thus must I accept that others are the same, and not to rush to judgment.

I still feel I haven’t touched on who I am. Am I my personal thoughts? How I treat others? How I react to challenges? What I would do to defend my children? The strength of my loyalty to others? What I forgive? Maybe one day I will be able to answer these accurately, but for now I am a work in progress facing challenges head on, accepting, not always humbly, changes in my life, working for what I want and offering my love and devotion to those willing to accept the forever changing me.