Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

*Write about a moment in childhood when you suddenly caught a glimpse of the adult world.

(When my mom had cancer)

-she wore beautiful colorful bandanas
-she was so strong even when weak

She walked through the front door… For the first time in what felt like forever, I got to see her. The image of her weakness did not hide the strength hidden within her. The battle scars were out to show the world what she had endured and conquered. She wore the colorful bandana that covered what once sprouted thick dark brown locks and her body was now frail though just a year before, she could carry a child in each arm with one more pulling at her leg.
Standing on the carpeted blue steps just 10 feet away from the door, my ignorant seven year old legs shook. Was it excitement? Was it pain? Maybe they were eager to run up to her so I could hug her and never let go. What was stopping me? Frozen in my own mind, I could only think of how happy I was to see her. Though I was not told, maybe I knew deep down that what was only three days in the hospital, was almost a lifetime of loss. Almost a year of staying at my cousins house on and off and being taken care of by my dad yet nothing ever occurred to me farther than “mommy is sick.” Almost a year of doctors’ appointments and chemotherapy.
The welcome home banner above my head, decorated by family as what we treated as an art project, represented what was rather than what could have been. Pictures of rainbows, colorful houses and happy stick figures covered the grateful banner. The representation of returning strength and a future with her, rather than without. A future full of hope rather than loss of the most important woman in my life. The woman that took care of me when I was hurt or sick. The one that refused to leave my side when I needed her. That moment is drilled into my mind, will never be just a memory, but a reminder of what I have and what matters. A memory that drives me to hold on to what I have for as long as I can and to not take anyone for granted. A memory that once in a while shows itself to remind me of the moments that could have been lost if things would have been different.
I jump off the stairs and run to her. I have never let go since.

4/16/18

A ring shatters the night calm

Shakes the sanity from deep inside

I know who it’s about

My heart rushes up into my throat

Rushed words

Despite our distance

We speed to the hospital

You never came to us, but we run to you

Heart over mind

Love devouring anger

No time for the past

Later or never

We run to you after you ran away from us

Reasons be damned

Tears will fall either way

When we say goodbye

The tether between us, snaps

Pain

Good or bad

We are who we are

Yesterday I had an… I’ll call it an epiphany. Although it was slowly rolling closer like a cresting wave flowing through the ocean that suddenly turned into a tsunami. And yes, it dragged me under, threw me about and deprived me of air. Worse yet, my heart suffocated to the point of death and the only way to survive was to fight my perceptions of “what is” to see the truth. The truth is always so much more painful. It is my burden alone to recognize the world around me. To take cues from words and make assumptions that make us feel better about ourselves. I missed the actions stating the blaring obvious that I was wrong, because being wrong would hurt. I hurt. It’s my fault that I hurt. I’m usually guarded. Observant. Skeptical of the world. Sometimes I forget that people are human. I’ve put some on pedestals in the past which turned out to be catastrophic. Pain teaches you, until the pain subsides and you think you’ve learned. And I did. But it takes more than one slap in the face to teach you not to offer your cheek to everyone. It’s sad but true. Everyone you let in, you give the power to hurt you. Risk is part of life. Without taking risks, there is no life. But I digress.

There have been a few times in my life when I came crawling back to my husband and children, licking my wounds. Their love is true and unconditional. Our relationships respectful because of the full understanding of boundaries. Boundaries that were precisely erected over time using arguments, love and respect as binding agents.

This time, I licked my wounds in silence, using Reiki healing techniques my sister taught me. I engaged my higher self and rooted my being to earth. Once my heart’s ache subsided to the point where giving in to the pain was no longer an option, I knew what I had to do. My decision will go against my nature, but sometimes that’s a must. I don’t expect others to make and effort understand me. Nor do I want them to. The difference will be subtle to the world, but rendering to my instincts. It will take a while, but eventually standing behind this necessary deep line will become part of my balance and will keep me on a new, albeit, positive path.

I learned a long time ago that I am responsible for anything that happens in my life. Blaming others for not being who I wanted them to be created an issue where I felt exonerated in the emotional fall out. I don’t believe in the bigger person concept. That just makes me a false martyr. A very sad, angry and delusional “Bigger Person”. A bigger pain in the ass to everyone.

So, when an emotional tsunami hits, I let it pull me under, smash me against anger and hurt until I break its hold and I’m dumped onto the hot sand on my back, arms splayed looking at the storm rolling above. I understand I’m there because I swam to far, passed where I should have been, and entered the deep waters where I could no longer escape  the cataclysmic wave. I’m sorry for stepping over the line. I’m sorry for being oblivious of the boundaries. Complete peace won’t return any time soon, which will make it easier for me to see the line.

 

Is the collusion of snowflakes a blanket of ignorance that makes everything the same? Suffocate differences. The absence of color. Numbing pain. A blanket of cold appearing as warmth in desperate hands. Blood and bone beneath sheets of foggy ice. Freezing thoughts of comfort. A slow death. Sleeping betrayal. Yes. But. The sun comes out. Heat melts the eyes awakens the mind and stimulates the heart. Not all but some. Enough. To burn the blanket. Dissolving the carefully woven crystals arresting thoughts. Salvation. Self-preservation. In that light, that encouraging inferno, we cling to each other. We are one, the decrepit, the strong, the despairing, the hearty. There are no them—we—us. Just me.  

Venting

Posted: December 2, 2017 in ME
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First Plague of Trump: Blood. Deaths caused by his divisive rhetoric and hate.

Second Plague of Trump: Empowered the frogs to slip from the bogs and croak loud and proud.

Third Plague of Trump: Lies changed dust to lice creating irritants and distractions.

Fourth Plague of Trump: Dog flies in the thousands attached themselves to the eyelids of conservatives rending them blind to truth.

Fifth Plague of Trump: Murrian. Cattle plague. How the GOP views the middle and lower classes.

Sixth Plague of Trump: Boils. Turning healthcare into a death sentence for the less privileged. Death means less insurance needs.

Seventh Plague of Trump: Hailstorm. Destruction of families. Loss of homes. Death of the dream.

Eighth Plague of Trump: Locusts. Conservative republicans and the recruitment of Lobbyists Trump denounced before the election. Hiring them after.

Ninth Plague of Trump: Darkness. The reign of Trump and his minions.

Tenth Plague of Trump: Death.

End The CON

Posted: December 1, 2017 in life lessons, ME
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Don’t know. I just don’t know. What will it take? Sexual assault is not funny and is a bright red flag to a person’s tarnished personality. Pedophilia is not something you forget or forgive. Nazi’s are bad. White supremacists are bad. Women who support them are mentally caged. Breaks my heart to see people make light of these situations. That is a problem in this country. Men strong armed women’s rights away. They claim god is on their side. Assigned it a masculine pronoun. No one sees all the wrong in that?

Twisted Fate

Posted: November 5, 2017 in Book reviews, Novels
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The FINAL version of Twisted Fate will be downloaded for update on kindle within 2 months. Now reworking Waking Up Vampire. I’ve read and reread all reviews and will be applying fixes clearing up grammatical errors and confusing events. Waking Up Vampire was the first step into this amazing journey of writing fantasy. Except, most of the issues faced by the main character are real and I–at the beginning– hadn’t acknowledged I had a problem. I thought everyone had a difficult childhood–right? Well, after the first draft hit the printer and I began the editing process, memories I’d repressed made me realize that the guarded soul I’d become as an adult was just trying to protect the little girl inside me who’d been victimized. I probably went through thirty rewrites before finally finding comfort in the most recent version. And here I am again doing the new perception review and finding I’ve grown some more. Time for another rewrite. It won’t change much because the events are the same, but I have a new and better understanding of my journey and I dearly want to express it to you. So Waking Up Vampire will be coming to you in a better updated and final version in the near future.

Bear with me.

Life is hard, but we’re all works in progress and we all get tripped up. I have come to a conclusion with Waking Up Vampire-The sequel. I found the best ending to that story both appeases the characters and my sane mind. I haven’t titled it yet. The present mind is always easier to puzzle out than that of the child I’d been. So. With that said, I do have many more stories and characters waiting on the back burner ready to be fleshed out and sent on their way into my crazy worlds.

I will let you know when I’ve updated Twisted fate on Kindle. Thank you and Peace.FINAL TW.F.