Posts Tagged ‘anxiety’

It starts inside. Loneliness. You own it. A seed you plant before awareness of the world, the truth of family and tradition. We all seek to fill the void we’ve created, but is it real? Some will tell you it’s not. Confusion will dizzy your mind and make you question what you feel.  You ask, “How do they know?” Because up until now, they knew everything. The older you get the more questions arise building a thick barrier made up of 100x more questions than answers. What once was simple is now a wind storm knocking you back making you rethink your true self. Your goal is at the end of your path that is littered with everyone else’s obstacles, fears and challenges. The journey is daunting and proved so far to be painful. Should you move forward? Yes. Traversing the warnings and forbidding’s from the inside of others is just one of your challenges. Set out to get to where you want to be. In the beginning, if you choose YOU, you will be more alone than you’ve ever felt, especially if fear is the glue that sticks your family and friends together. Truth be told, there is always someone who will try to talk you out of your journey. They will talk about the safety of home and their personal choice. Show you the world ahead through their eyes… their perspective. Remember, you have your own thoughts, desires and goals and you’re already scared and looking for that one reason not to take the first step away from home and the world you know. It is more than likely that their compassionate guidance will turn on you, especially if they were fear-talked out of seeking their hearts desires and the comfort of your stationary presence confirms their choice not to reach their goal. There’s no one more battle worn than someone fighting someone else’s battle. Understand that, when you are where you want to be, there is no fighting and no defending . Your armor is your heart and your weapon… five simple words. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

In return to learn

My spirit hungers for knowledge greater than any pain a challenge offers

Lessons are brutal

The scars I bear are the badges I display in every life I live

I chose them to lift me up or break me into little pieces of reflection

The more times I return insures deeper wounds

Greater feelings

Those around me and with me are handpicked by me

They’ll catch my tears or shove me into the hole I’ve dug for myself

and sometimes are the guides I refuse to hear

I started out a speck of barely anything

My steps forward were short and strenuous

Simple but momentous results did occur

They took on momentum the more I succeeded or failed

A diamond is coal under pressure for billions of years before becoming more

Not difficult to see the similarities

Nature is a blueprint of what we could be

Pay attention

Don’t take nature for granted

We are all part of each other

And never forget

Failure is part of learning

It’s early morning and I haven’t slept. I’m pondering the outcome of “our” election. The sun came up as usual and my daughter’s cat is being annoying—as usual, so nothing, at this point has changed. I’ve been reading Facebook posts. The reactions are weighed down on opposite sides of the spectrum.

In my opinion, others have voted in a hypocrite, which is the worst kind of liar, but there is nothing I can do about him.

That being said…

My world is my own. I will remain true to who I am. I will oppose all those who try to take away my rights. I will step up and solidify my community’s security by keeping an eye out for anyone being a bigoted, homophobic, misogynistic, xenophobic, racist bullies and put my life and integrity in the line of fire to keep this “leader’s influence from touching my neighbors, family and friends. I have and will always help a stranger either by donating food and or money. People who suffer and are afraid, have me on their side. People who are targeted because of their religion or skin color are, always in my eyes, my brothers and sisters related by our bond as human beings collectively.

I want to rant and vent. I want to scream and punch my punching bag until it’s nothing but a dangling piece of fabric.

What good would that do?

The sooner I move on spiritually, the better off I will be.

I’ve always believed, that no matter how bad something is, there is an inexplicable reason for it. And, some of the time,  we won’t know why until after we’ve moved on from life on earth to review our challenges and lessons. So, God bless us all. (My God. Not yours.) I really hope people were right about him.  Time will tell.

Another difficult morning of complaints, “I don’t feel well.” In-between smiles and conversation we have about the wildlife program that is currently on TV.  Why is the tv on? You ask… well I need something to gauge the real reason for not wanting to go to school. My son, whom I adore, has anxiety issues. They’re not just with school. He suffers every time he knows he has to leave the house.

The panic attacks didn’t start over night, but increased significantly after two close family members passed away. One happened quite unexpectedly. Me, his mom, having cancer when he was 4 is what I believe could have triggered it in the first place. I also believe this is a challenge in this lifetime that he has yet to overcome in previous, but no matter the reason or cause, I am determined to get him through it. I’m lucky that he is only thirteen. I have some flexibility, but soon that gap will close when he enters ninth grade.

I don’t know how to get him to see what is really happening. His aches and pain are real because his fear triggers his stomach to hurt. He accuses me of not believing him. I do believe him but the only way to help him is to not feed into it. He is seeing a couple of specialists and I rely on their advice since my husband and I are at our wits end.

It is very fortunate that I have a partner in all of this. We do our best to give the other some breathing space in-between the battles, and battles they have become. The school is also on our side and has worked with us since the beginning. In two months we shall know if our efforts have paid off. A long two months they shall be. All I know is that I am doing this out of love. I’m not giving in. I’m fighting for my son’s quality of life and that keeps me strong and motivated. He’s truly an amazing kid. He’s kind and respectful, smart and witty. He is going to be an amazing adult. I will not let fear take my baby’s future away.