Posts Tagged ‘mind’

I have three children, all adults now. My twenty-one year old daughter came to me today, furious. I thought something terrible had happened and jumped immediately into the protective mommy zone.  “The world is soo unfair,” she shouted. I cocked my head at the unexpected declaration. I’m fifty, so yeah, I know the world is unfair, but I let her vent. At age twelve, my tall slim little girl was diagnosed with severe scoliosis. After two major surgeries, her spine, through not significantly curved is still very twisted, giving her the lung capacity of an eighty year old and a bladder the size of a toddler. Her outrage was for the latter. “Why, in general, are men’s bathrooms equipped with several stalls and urinals and the women’s with just two stalls with one broken forever? I have to wait on line which makes me late for classes.” Once her rage took hold, she yelled about other venues and injustices women endure every single day.

The women reading this get it. Though the rights of validity, through protests and celebrity endorsements, have moved the scales (At a snail’s pace) closer together, it will be some time before architecture, medicine, rights, considerations, man made religions, etc… catch up to nature or die. And the old narcissist fearful, cowardice men in power gently fall into a forever sleep. It will happen, unfortunately not for me in this lifetime. Not that I sit back and let it happen. I fight. I was born with sharp teeth. Maybe when I’m reincarnated….I’ll get to experience nature’s balanced world or maybe another because the narcissists destroyed the earth to make their billions just before they died.

As women continued to step up, help each other, stand strong for one another and not fall folly to the manipulations of weak, cowardly men who demoralize them with the use of politics, religion and “Cause I said so, woman!” Even though I may not be your next door neighbor, I am with you. Women make up 51% of the USA population and that’s despite how many of us are killed/devalued by boyfriends, husbands, stalkers, predators who hate women because their own personal insecurities, men who blame women for their own disgusting weak thoughts. We are blamed for all of men’s weakness. Women are the blamed for original sin. (Man-made religions do that) Thank goodness these men are dying out and men with compassion who don’t need to belittle others to feel strong are thriving. Yay for that. We do not exist to be doormats. At one time, women kept tribes nourished by producing 70% of the food consumed.

Breastfeeding is 100% natural. To all those who have a problem with a mommy feeding their baby in public…. go enjoy yourself a cigarette!!!!

Thank you for reading!

Everyone says to be your true self. That the more you fake it the more lost you become. Hmm. I try to be my true self. It isn’t easy. It’s safer to hide behind a facade especially when you want to fit in. I must admit, I didn’t know who lived inside me until much later in my life when the universe goosed me out of my comfort zone. Before this unexpected steel tipped kick in the ass, I had one friend, my husband and children and family.  After, I wanted more friends. I saw facebook people having a ball. People from my past loling, partying basically having a grand ole time. I thought I’d been missing out. Nope. The problem? Everyone played different roles. Did I tell you I hated school because of all the clicks. Students didn’t need help dividing the school up. Burnouts, jocks, populars, nerds, geeks etc all who rarely overlapped. I was a nerd who weight trained and I did that in high school because before 9th grade, Bullies liked To target me. Don’t ask me why.  Anyway, when I finally found a group to party with, the people, I thought were friends, turned into ugly 13 year old bullies behind my back. So, I dumped that plan. I did make one good friend out of it.

Today, I was talking to someone I’ve known my whole life and they were explaining how they thought someone we both knew had changed so drastically. Now I know this person well (the person accused of changing) And I know for a fact they haven’t. So this got me thinking. Why did he think our friend changed? The answer? The person accused of changing, aged and as they aged their disguise became more and more oppressive until  who they really are, emerged. So the person I knew—- was the genuine article, while the person who accused him of changing was just getting to know the real him. Fascinating!!!

People are nuts. Myself included.

It starts inside. Loneliness. You own it. A seed you plant before awareness of the world, the truth of family and tradition. We all seek to fill the void we’ve created, but is it real? Some will tell you it’s not. Confusion will dizzy your mind and make you question what you feel.  You ask, “How do they know?” Because up until now, they knew everything. The older you get the more questions arise building a thick barrier made up of 100x more questions than answers. What once was simple is now a wind storm knocking you back making you rethink your true self. Your goal is at the end of your path that is littered with everyone else’s obstacles, fears and challenges. The journey is daunting and proved so far to be painful. Should you move forward? Yes. Traversing the warnings and forbidding’s from the inside of others is just one of your challenges. Set out to get to where you want to be. In the beginning, if you choose YOU, you will be more alone than you’ve ever felt, especially if fear is the glue that sticks your family and friends together. Truth be told, there is always someone who will try to talk you out of your journey. They will talk about the safety of home and their personal choice. Show you the world ahead through their eyes… their perspective. Remember, you have your own thoughts, desires and goals and you’re already scared and looking for that one reason not to take the first step away from home and the world you know. It is more than likely that their compassionate guidance will turn on you, especially if they were fear-talked out of seeking their hearts desires and the comfort of your stationary presence confirms their choice not to reach their goal. There’s no one more battle worn than someone fighting someone else’s battle. Understand that, when you are where you want to be, there is no fighting and no defending . Your armor is your heart and your weapon… five simple words. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

In return to learn

My spirit hungers for knowledge greater than any pain a challenge offers

Lessons are brutal

The scars I bear are the badges I display in every life I live

I chose them to lift me up or break me into little pieces of reflection

The more times I return insures deeper wounds

Greater feelings

Those around me and with me are handpicked by me

They’ll catch my tears or shove me into the hole I’ve dug for myself

and sometimes are the guides I refuse to hear

I started out a speck of barely anything

My steps forward were short and strenuous

Simple but momentous results did occur

They took on momentum the more I succeeded or failed

A diamond is coal under pressure for billions of years before becoming more

Not difficult to see the similarities

Nature is a blueprint of what we could be

Pay attention

Don’t take nature for granted

We are all part of each other

And never forget

Failure is part of learning

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. The name is as relevant as the person who named it and thus has very little consequence. A rose and its classification as a flower are titles given by the least of the world’s natural entities… human. It’s beauty is ranked in the eye of the individual beholder. There are humans who hate flowers and are disgusted by their presence, just as there are those who find fecal matter the end-all-and-be-all of life. I find myself arguing for the right of my perception to be valid rather than the legitimacy of my view point, more and more these days. The art of semantics. I should write that book. Perhaps after I finish the Waking Up Vampire series. The art of Semantics’ sub-title: Why people live by definition rather than consequence. or.. Why people need to blame a divine entity for their decisions when in reality it is where their consciousness leads them. I’m not exempt from the inconsistency of irrational thought. In fact, I spend a lot of time meditating on this intriguing phenomenon, so much that I can announce, in the moment before a crazy irrational, unreasonable tirade is about to take over my, normally pleasant (Yes. You can laugh) laid back temperament that I’m about to explode. I’m going to write more about this on my blog… after I finish writing/editing the last 200 plus pages of Waking Up Vampire.. in the next two weeks. To tide you over, be my guest and read Twisted Fate, by Mel Evers. A review would be wonderful and truly kiss-your-feet appreciated. Peace

*Write about a moment in childhood when you suddenly caught a glimpse of the adult world.

(When my mom had cancer)

-she wore beautiful colorful bandanas
-she was so strong even when weak

She walked through the front door… For the first time in what felt like forever, I got to see her. The image of her weakness did not hide the strength hidden within her. The battle scars were out to show the world what she had endured and conquered. She wore the colorful bandana that covered what once sprouted thick dark brown locks and her body was now frail though just a year before, she could carry a child in each arm with one more pulling at her leg.
Standing on the carpeted blue steps just 10 feet away from the door, my ignorant seven year old legs shook. Was it excitement? Was it pain? Maybe they were eager to run up to her so I could hug her and never let go. What was stopping me? Frozen in my own mind, I could only think of how happy I was to see her. Though I was not told, maybe I knew deep down that what was only three days in the hospital, was almost a lifetime of loss. Almost a year of staying at my cousins house on and off and being taken care of by my dad yet nothing ever occurred to me farther than “mommy is sick.” Almost a year of doctors’ appointments and chemotherapy.
The welcome home banner above my head, decorated by family as what we treated as an art project, represented what was rather than what could have been. Pictures of rainbows, colorful houses and happy stick figures covered the grateful banner. The representation of returning strength and a future with her, rather than without. A future full of hope rather than loss of the most important woman in my life. The woman that took care of me when I was hurt or sick. The one that refused to leave my side when I needed her. That moment is drilled into my mind, will never be just a memory, but a reminder of what I have and what matters. A memory that drives me to hold on to what I have for as long as I can and to not take anyone for granted. A memory that once in a while shows itself to remind me of the moments that could have been lost if things would have been different.
I jump off the stairs and run to her. I have never let go since.

4/16/18

You awoke with anger, affection and blinding fear. You waged a battle between right and wrong as others tried to banish your soul. You cry in the shadows and smile under the sun. You do your best to balance my mind even through times of pain. The ache you encompass me in is at times confusing. It feels good or it renders me helpless. 

When I lash out, you bind my wrists and gag my mouth, but nothing can stop the tears from falling. The power you wield banishes the fury of my roar, muffles the sounds of ecstasy. two sounds which expose my weaknesses. 

Love, you know what I need even when I don’t. The fight between us is everlasting, raw and sometimes bloody. You’ve effectively groomed my rage, testing me, prodding my tender thoughts pushing my soul to experience raw life. 

During my stint in dire straits you forced me to fight against who I thought I was to become who I was supposed to be. Not an easy task when all I saw was a target placed over my heart. People not seeing inside was why I’d built the wall in the first place. In one second, in one diagnosis you slammed through my barriers and forced me to open. To ask for help and let others see all my vulnerabilities. I cowered at first. Rolled up into a ball like a fetus in my mother’s womb. Which is ironic since life had pushed me back to that place where I was helpless without others. Would have most likely died without their assistance.

Epiphany. Thank you, my love for showing me that you exist both inside and out. That you are more than the heart within me. You are an extension of those willing to become a part of me. To accept me. To take my hand and offer their strength when I feel I have none. 

Love is me returning the nurture, the power, the giving, the healing without expectation. To carry those in need to a safe place in their own hearts. Like me, you see it from where you stand. The journey across the tumultuous line is long but not far. I know. 

 

Sincerely,

M.E.

Discord is nothing new to me

The place I grew up a toddler’s finger painting called chaos

Innocence dragged through the mud

Hosed off and kissed on the forehead

Pretend that didn’t happen

At intervals it didn’t

Until

Innocence was stripped to the bone at thirteen

Came out of the womb with my hand raised in the air

I’ve been on to you from day one

So, you think I don’t see the lie?

Even though I love you

I won’t let your false tears pass my guard

My tears are real, but you’ll never understand them

Just like I don’t know you

You don’t know me

Never will

Your decisions are forgiven

because

To see you there

Frightened 

The child in you peering out through your eyes

My mind surrenders to my broken heart

No one should be alone

Not even you

Not now

Yesterday I had an… I’ll call it an epiphany. Although it was slowly rolling closer like a cresting wave flowing through the ocean that suddenly turned into a tsunami. And yes, it dragged me under, threw me about and deprived me of air. Worse yet, my heart suffocated to the point of death and the only way to survive was to fight my perceptions of “what is” to see the truth. The truth is always so much more painful. It is my burden alone to recognize the world around me. To take cues from words and make assumptions that make us feel better about ourselves. I missed the actions stating the blaring obvious that I was wrong, because being wrong would hurt. I hurt. It’s my fault that I hurt. I’m usually guarded. Observant. Skeptical of the world. Sometimes I forget that people are human. I’ve put some on pedestals in the past which turned out to be catastrophic. Pain teaches you, until the pain subsides and you think you’ve learned. And I did. But it takes more than one slap in the face to teach you not to offer your cheek to everyone. It’s sad but true. Everyone you let in, you give the power to hurt you. Risk is part of life. Without taking risks, there is no life. But I digress.

There have been a few times in my life when I came crawling back to my husband and children, licking my wounds. Their love is true and unconditional. Our relationships respectful because of the full understanding of boundaries. Boundaries that were precisely erected over time using arguments, love and respect as binding agents.

This time, I licked my wounds in silence, using Reiki healing techniques my sister taught me. I engaged my higher self and rooted my being to earth. Once my heart’s ache subsided to the point where giving in to the pain was no longer an option, I knew what I had to do. My decision will go against my nature, but sometimes that’s a must. I don’t expect others to make and effort understand me. Nor do I want them to. The difference will be subtle to the world, but rendering to my instincts. It will take a while, but eventually standing behind this necessary deep line will become part of my balance and will keep me on a new, albeit, positive path.

I learned a long time ago that I am responsible for anything that happens in my life. Blaming others for not being who I wanted them to be created an issue where I felt exonerated in the emotional fall out. I don’t believe in the bigger person concept. That just makes me a false martyr. A very sad, angry and delusional “Bigger Person”. A bigger pain in the ass to everyone.

So, when an emotional tsunami hits, I let it pull me under, smash me against anger and hurt until I break its hold and I’m dumped onto the hot sand on my back, arms splayed looking at the storm rolling above. I understand I’m there because I swam to far, passed where I should have been, and entered the deep waters where I could no longer escape  the cataclysmic wave. I’m sorry for stepping over the line. I’m sorry for being oblivious of the boundaries. Complete peace won’t return any time soon, which will make it easier for me to see the line.

 

Okay. I’m back on track. As of late, I’ve repeated the Mantra… Everything Happens for a Reason. It helps. Took a while for the sentiment to arm wrestle logic not to into submission, but a standoff of beliefs rather than personal affronts. So. That done. I worked on writing. First rule in self preservation: Never let anything overshadow your dreams. All my shouting and complaining about politics got way out of hand. My writing suffered. My happiness tanked (Despite living my dream), my health sunk into bouts of stomach ailments. And the anger I’d battled for so long until it no longer controlled me, returned. I yelled, Stop! Took a step back to reassess my path. I had definitely fallen off the bridge onto my head. My splattered ego exposed my ruined self. Who am I to change what people think? I can only hope that my personal happiness ripples into the people surrounding me. Curiously, it was easier to shift back to who I am from what I’d become. Yay me.

Now… I’ve completed Twisted Fate. It is DONE!!!! Professionally edited and beautifully polished… if I say so myself.  Next step is to republish and call Amazon and have them set it up for an update so people who bought it already, get the new version free. And then Promote the hell out of it. It is good. Erotic and Sweet. Messy and Perfect. Just like me 🙂  I am Thrilled with the finished story. I will Let everyone know when I’ve set everything up to buy or update the new version. From now on… Ill stick to who I am. Love you all.

Mel ❤