Posts Tagged ‘family’

You awoke with anger, affection and blinding fear. You waged a battle between right and wrong as others tried to banish your soul. You cry in the shadows and smile under the sun. You do your best to balance my mind even through times of pain. The ache you encompass me in is at times confusing. It feels good or it renders me helpless. 

When I lash out, you bind my wrists and gag my mouth, but nothing can stop the tears from falling. The power you wield banishes the fury of my roar, muffles the sounds of ecstasy. two sounds which expose my weaknesses. 

Love, you know what I need even when I don’t. The fight between us is everlasting, raw and sometimes bloody. You’ve effectively groomed my rage, testing me, prodding my tender thoughts pushing my soul to experience raw life. 

During my stint in dire straits you forced me to fight against who I thought I was to become who I was supposed to be. Not an easy task when all I saw was a target placed over my heart. People not seeing inside was why I’d built the wall in the first place. In one second, in one diagnosis you slammed through my barriers and forced me to open. To ask for help and let others see all my vulnerabilities. I cowered at first. Rolled up into a ball like a fetus in my mother’s womb. Which is ironic since life had pushed me back to that place where I was helpless without others. Would have most likely died without their assistance.

Epiphany. Thank you, my love for showing me that you exist both inside and out. That you are more than the heart within me. You are an extension of those willing to become a part of me. To accept me. To take my hand and offer their strength when I feel I have none. 

Love is me returning the nurture, the power, the giving, the healing without expectation. To carry those in need to a safe place in their own hearts. Like me, you see it from where you stand. The journey across the tumultuous line is long but not far. I know. 

 

Sincerely,

M.E.

Hi. Welcome to four deaths and a fire. Not a chill place for my mind to be, but oh hell, we all have those moments. I am happy. The choices I’ve made in the past few years have helped with anger and grief. The last three months have fast forwarded my life progress by light years. My husband will argue that light years is a physical distance and not a measure in time, but I’m an author so… it’s okay.

Anyhow, It started with a request and ended with a death. Accurate summary. Doesn’t everything profound start with something simple? A decision you make now can change your life forever tomorrow. For some, Life begins.

Like childbirth or slamming your funny-bone (not everyone experiences childbirth), all beginnings are painful, out of our control and wrought with fear.  Yet somehow we grow into adults. Oh. I should mention. I was never child. By the time I became aware of living, my mind was thrust into a world of lies and deceit wrapped in the arms of an Italian mother. A mommy lifeline. Also known as a confusing long tether that, on occasion, left me adrift, swimming through confusion. Or, the cord was wrapped so tightly around my body it made it impossible to move or grow.

My mom was strong/weak. Powerful in her love for us children. Weak because she loved him, too. Her love for him became her downfall. She died. Do I blame him? Yes and no. Why, because I know right from wrong. He was the epitome of wrong. My mom died Twenty-one years ago. He died Three months ago. Funny thing… I cried as his life faded to nothing before my eyes. Cried like I did for my mom when she took her last breath.

Isn’t that interesting?

One day, after playing with my niece, my brother came to me with daunting news and a request. Dad was very sick and in the hospital and he wanted to see his children. He wanted to ask for forgiveness for being indifferent most of our lives. Hmmm. I’d already had closure about ten years ago. He came back into my life, against my personal wishes, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Another story. I’m good. Not the point. The moral of that story is you don’t deserve attention from him if your not dying anymore.

At that time, I gave him two rules of our relationship. One, he had to work at being a father. Two, if he left, that was it. He left. Guess I was wrong. That wasn’t it. When he called for us, I went. I literally said I forgave him during my first visit. He cried. By my next visit, he was back to being the angry, I hate the world man, that afterward claimed that oh, that’s all in the past, and I don’t wish people harm. My inner child smirked. I told him he really had to let go of his rage. On my third or fourth visit, I was alone with him and we had a two hour conversation in which he confessed some disturbing truths about himself. I believe it was the first time we ever had an honest conversation. Past chats included me telling him to leave at two different times, once when I was thirteen and another, I think I was seventeen, and on other occasions asking “who is she?”.

I’m pretty sure, as his illness progressed, the four of us visited every single day. We fought with the doctors on numerous occasions. We were losing another parent, and the tough years before didn’t matter.

He passed on April 9th 2018 as we stood around his bed. We sought comfort in each other and that was beautiful. Despite everything he did to tear us apart, the moment he took his last breath, we became a stronger healthier family.

Which is very fortunate… My father may have moved on, but his past is alive and well and we have been fighting to restore our legacy ever since. Crazy woman, poison ivy, a platoon of cats won’t stop us from achieving our goal. Putting to rest our past.

 

 

 

 

 

A ring shatters the night calm

Shakes the sanity from deep inside

I know who it’s about

My heart rushes up into my throat

Rushed words

Despite our distance

We speed to the hospital

You never came to us, but we run to you

Heart over mind

Love devouring anger

No time for the past

Later or never

We run to you after you ran away from us

Reasons be damned

Tears will fall either way

When we say goodbye

The tether between us, snaps

Pain

Good or bad

We are who we are

Okay. I’m back on track. As of late, I’ve repeated the Mantra… Everything Happens for a Reason. It helps. Took a while for the sentiment to arm wrestle logic not to into submission, but a standoff of beliefs rather than personal affronts. So. That done. I worked on writing. First rule in self preservation: Never let anything overshadow your dreams. All my shouting and complaining about politics got way out of hand. My writing suffered. My happiness tanked (Despite living my dream), my health sunk into bouts of stomach ailments. And the anger I’d battled for so long until it no longer controlled me, returned. I yelled, Stop! Took a step back to reassess my path. I had definitely fallen off the bridge onto my head. My splattered ego exposed my ruined self. Who am I to change what people think? I can only hope that my personal happiness ripples into the people surrounding me. Curiously, it was easier to shift back to who I am from what I’d become. Yay me.

Now… I’ve completed Twisted Fate. It is DONE!!!! Professionally edited and beautifully polished… if I say so myself.  Next step is to republish and call Amazon and have them set it up for an update so people who bought it already, get the new version free. And then Promote the hell out of it. It is good. Erotic and Sweet. Messy and Perfect. Just like me 🙂  I am Thrilled with the finished story. I will Let everyone know when I’ve set everything up to buy or update the new version. From now on… Ill stick to who I am. Love you all.

Mel ❤

Is the collusion of snowflakes a blanket of ignorance that makes everything the same? Suffocate differences. The absence of color. Numbing pain. A blanket of cold appearing as warmth in desperate hands. Blood and bone beneath sheets of foggy ice. Freezing thoughts of comfort. A slow death. Sleeping betrayal. Yes. But. The sun comes out. Heat melts the eyes awakens the mind and stimulates the heart. Not all but some. Enough. To burn the blanket. Dissolving the carefully woven crystals arresting thoughts. Salvation. Self-preservation. In that light, that encouraging inferno, we cling to each other. We are one, the decrepit, the strong, the despairing, the hearty. There are no them—we—us. Just me.  

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

It’s the end of the world as know, I feel fine

That’s great, it starts with an earthquake
Birds, snakes, and aeroplanes
Lenny Bruce is not afraid
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn
World serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs
Feed it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength
Ladder start to clatter with fear, fight down height
Wire in a fire, representing seven games
A government for hire and a combat site
Left of west and coming in a hurry
With the furies breathing down your neck

Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped
Look at that low playing! Fine, then
Uh oh, overflow, population, common food
But it’ll do
Save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed
Dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right
Right
You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Six o’clock, TV hour
Don’t get caught in foreign towers
Slash and burn, return
Listen to yourself churn
Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting
Every motive escalate
Automotive incinerate
Light a candle, light a votive
Step down, step down
Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh
This means no fear cavalier
Renegade steer clear!
A tournament, tournament, a tournament of lies
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

The other night I dreamt of knives
Continental drift divide
Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein
Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom!
You symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right?
Right!

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

Songwriters: JOHN MICHAEL STIPE, MICHAEL E. MILLS, PETER LAWRENCE BUCK, WILLIAM THOMAS BERRY
© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group

Sometimes I turn to pain for comfort, darkness to cleanse and numbness to escape it all. And then I fall.      Panic sets in.        I reach for the closest heart and fall faster.    There’s no room for laughter when tears fall and the life lived fades into the past. Looking forward through a pane of foggy glass.   I capturing glimpses of what could be, at the moment, because a breath changes everything.    His hand. Her shoulder. The innocence of a child. Fury and blood. What does it all mean? He kills. She kills. One a hero. The other a villain. Which is which? Do we know the difference anymore? My life is my reach, my sight, what I hear, who I touch. Not always good. Not perfect. My goal is simple. To make progress.

I think of you… sometimes when I’m lost

Wandering in the haze you created for me so long ago

We’re in the same room, but hearts apart

I believed you… in you

Until you proved me wrong.

Showed me your blood wasn’t strong

I asked you

Eye to eye who are you?

You lied.

I knew that was your reality

But I believed you…in you

Why not?

You said the words I wanted to be true

I thought of you the other day

Feeling sad

Surrounded by love

Two roles not filled

One by choice

The other…

I think of you…sometimes when I’m wandering

In the same room where your heart beats silent

Hoping one day you prove me right

To believe in yourself

Make that your reality

Why not?

It’s better to be surrounded by love

I’m not wrong

Anxiety

Posted: March 9, 2017 in life lessons
Tags: , , , , , ,

I am a strong woman who cries beneath blankets on my bed. Why? Now it’s from joy. Before, it was because my son suffered and I didn’t know it. And because I didn’t listen I made it worse. It’s a lesson I will never forget and a mistake I will never repeat.

This is the first year I could lower my guard, and dance the sly dance with an unseen demon without destroying my son in the process. He suffers from anxiety.

You can’t reason with anxiety. You can only learn to cope until the unwarranted bite from adrenaline is no longer associated with fear or a sense of doom.

From elementary school–until now–eleventh grade, was an uphill battle. A battle to get him to school. A battle to make him eat. A battle to make him smile. He’d lost so much weight one year,  we had to take him to a special hospital. Watching him melt into a gaunt, pale six-foot fourteen year old forced me to bog down into a fire that licked my heart everyday.

In the beginning, I thought like all fourth graders, he hated school. He cried and fought every step to the door. I cried and worried when I got home. This went on until middle school when he complained about his stomach. Soon after that his throat had issues which made it difficult for him to leave the house. I brought him to the pediatrician a few times but received the same response. It was nerves and he had to go to school. So he cried. I cried. And we both got angry. Every morning the stress grew until I decided to take him to a specialist. An ears nose and throat doctor.

Finally one answer. He had acid reflux. (Has)

He was put on medication and it did help his stomach and throat, but he still did not want to go to school. I needed more help. I couldn’t do this on my own.

We tried a therapist. It helped until this therapist fed his anxiety by feeding into his wish of home schooling. That’s when he lost a lot of weight. Fortunately the children’s hospital helped.

Next step, a friend referred a psychiatrist. He saw my son a few times to gauge his symptoms and then he put him on medication. I had always been vehemently against medicating children. I had to decide which was worse, trying to help the symptoms with medication or watch my son fall deeper and deeper into a depression that made him  lash out.

This Dr. is good. He didn’t go crazy or put him on anything that changed my son’s personality. My son is a funny, smart and creative kid. After a couple of months, with the help of this doctor, my son emerged. The happy go lucky kid I remember from kindergarten. It took a little while… a year to get the dosing correct, but now, though he still struggles, with the help of the medication, he can navigate the fog. I am so proud of him. He deals with his anxiety every day and everyday he wins more ground.

My children are my life. To watch any one of them suffer kills me. The greatest lesson I learned is, when any one of them are having a problem, to take myself out of the equation, don’t make it personal and to sit back and listen. They need me on their side, not against them when they are struggling with things they don’t understand.

It’s personal. DNA supported. Ancestrally complicated. And none of your damn business.

Okay. Ill give you a bit of something to take away from this obnoxious Diddy.

I don’t fear small minded people. Not my problem.

What I do fear cannot be changed by sitting back and eating popcorn.

The only course of action is take the bull by the balls and swing him around a few times.

Vulnerability speaks above bullshit.

Silence. On the outside.

Strategizing on the inside.

If you listen— the answer will come.

When you close your eyes and shut off your ears — don’t be surprised by an ambush.

Be prepared with a genuine smile

Sincerity emboldens

Believing you know more…is debilitating

Pursue happiness by keeping the know-it-all’s snapping the air at your heels

Observe with a shut mouth.

And finally— your path is your own.

You may find yourself on someone else’s path… or not.

If you allow them to pull you….you will fail the greater goal.

Lessons learned through experience stay forever.

False learning is fair weathered

Peace. Love. Respect