Posts Tagged ‘truth’

Anxiety

Posted: March 9, 2017 in life lessons
Tags: , , , , , ,

I am a strong woman who cries beneath blankets on my bed. Why? Now it’s from joy. Before, it was because my son suffered and I didn’t know it. And because I didn’t listen I made it worse. It’s a lesson I will never forget and a mistake I will never repeat.

This is the first year I could lower my guard, and dance the sly dance with an unseen demon without destroying my son in the process. He suffers from anxiety.

You can’t reason with anxiety. You can only learn to cope until the unwarranted bite from adrenaline is no longer associated with fear or a sense of doom.

From elementary school–until now–eleventh grade, was an uphill battle. A battle to get him to school. A battle to make him eat. A battle to make him smile. He’d lost so much weight one year,  we had to take him to a special hospital. Watching him melt into a gaunt, pale six-foot fourteen year old forced me to bog down into a fire that licked my heart everyday.

In the beginning, I thought like all fourth graders, he hated school. He cried and fought every step to the door. I cried and worried when I got home. This went on until middle school when he complained about his stomach. Soon after that his throat had issues which made it difficult for him to leave the house. I brought him to the pediatrician a few times but received the same response. It was nerves and he had to go to school. So he cried. I cried. And we both got angry. Every morning the stress grew until I decided to take him to a specialist. An ears nose and throat doctor.

Finally one answer. He had acid reflux. (Has)

He was put on medication and it did help his stomach and throat, but he still did not want to go to school. I needed more help. I couldn’t do this on my own.

We tried a therapist. It helped until this therapist fed his anxiety by feeding into his wish of home schooling. That’s when he lost a lot of weight. Fortunately the children’s hospital helped.

Next step, a friend referred a psychiatrist. He saw my son a few times to gauge his symptoms and then he put him on medication. I had always been vehemently against medicating children. I had to decide which was worse, trying to help the symptoms with medication or watch my son fall deeper and deeper into a depression that made him  lash out.

This Dr. is good. He didn’t go crazy or put him on anything that changed my son’s personality. My son is a funny, smart and creative kid. After a couple of months, with the help of this doctor, my son emerged. The happy go lucky kid I remember from kindergarten. It took a little while… a year to get the dosing correct, but now, though he still struggles, with the help of the medication, he can navigate the fog. I am so proud of him. He deals with his anxiety every day and everyday he wins more ground.

My children are my life. To watch any one of them suffer kills me. The greatest lesson I learned is, when any one of them are having a problem, to take myself out of the equation, don’t make it personal and to sit back and listen. They need me on their side, not against them when they are struggling with things they don’t understand.

It’s personal. DNA supported. Ancestrally complicated. And none of your damn business.

Okay. Ill give you a bit of something to take away from this obnoxious Diddy.

I don’t fear small minded people. Not my problem.

What I do fear cannot be changed by sitting back and eating popcorn.

The only course of action is take the bull by the balls and swing him around a few times.

Vulnerability speaks above bullshit.

Silence. On the outside.

Strategizing on the inside.

If you listen— the answer will come.

When you close your eyes and shut off your ears — don’t be surprised by an ambush.

Be prepared with a genuine smile

Sincerity emboldens

Believing you know more…is debilitating

Pursue happiness by keeping the know-it-all’s snapping the air at your heels

Observe with a shut mouth.

And finally— your path is your own.

You may find yourself on someone else’s path… or not.

If you allow them to pull you….you will fail the greater goal.

Lessons learned through experience stay forever.

False learning is fair weathered

Peace. Love. Respect

 

 

 

Fire, wind, water, earth and us

Coming at you like a natural disaster

You don’t want to fight

You don’t want to know

Living in a day dream while the rest of us face the nightmare

We stand dead center in the chaos and confusion

Roaring for humanity

Bloody fingers cling to justice

Broken dreams washed away by tears

Screaming to be free

We prepare for the war you ignore

You don’t want to fight

You don’t want to know

Living in a day dream while the rest of us face the nightmare

We won’t let us fall back into the void

A place where voices die

Where power resides in the telling of a lie

Heart Journey

Posted: January 23, 2017 in life lessons
Tags: , , ,

It’s pretty clear to me, that during this time at home here, helping my mom recover from her stroke, God is wasting no time at all, teaching me things. And not just any “things…” but real, important, messy things. Things that should come with an owners manual or an instruction guide. In other words, things you could […]

via Patience as a Way of Life — BeautyBeyondBones

To all mothers and fathers, grandparents step parents guardians etc. It is time. You need to show your children respect for yourselves in order to teach them respect for others. You need to step down off that pedestal to show them we are all equal and we all make mistakes. You need to teach your children to love themselves so they know how to treat others with the same considerations. You need to show them a good work ethic and stamina to reach higher than we have and go for their dreams. Teach them money isn’t everything. That anyone or anything that tramples on other people’s lives is oppression. That to make fun of the less fortunate is simply wrong. To grow their heart and minds beyond what they see and what ignorant people say. To make instinctual choices that betters our family, our friends our communities’ lives. To understand No means No. That how you treat others is a reflection of one’s self. That people need help no matter what the circumstance. Even if the don’t ask for it. To help without expectation. Teach forgiveness by forgiving. This is very difficult, but will make their lives happier despite whatever was done or said. To teach them anything said or done to them, is never about them. That actions occur from within. That a smile and a thank you is worth more than any sum of money. By doing this, you will show your children unconditional love. Nothing they do will make YOU walk away because humans make mistakes. And even if that mistake puts them in jail for the rest of their lives…Your love for them will never die. We need to move forward together.

The president has decided, on his first day, to strip people of their healthcare benefits. Why? We are talking twenty million people going without healthcare. Republicans want it repealed, but they are the ones who created the Affordable Healthcare Act, best know as Obamacare. He deleted policies on the LGBT and Environment. What does that mean to our friends and family in a same sex marriage? Will he attack their ability to adopt? Will he destroy years of evolving and put us back into the dark ages where men tell everyone how they should act and who they should be and where they are best placed? A person is best revealed by his or her actions.

Religion has NO place in our government. We are made up of many different faiths, including those who do not have a god. One man cannot tell us when, or where we chould pray, or be or act because his god tells him to. We cannot follow any man that believes a persons sexuality is criminal in a response to the unncontrollable matter of nature.

And what about his supporters? Do they not see what he is doing? How is he making us strong by killing people who need medical care? What about his greatest lie..er um statement about jobs? Why wasn’t his first act as …president, to bring his families manufacturers back to the USA and give thousands of people jobs? Is it to difficult? Not profitable? Well welcome to the reason other companies outsource. I thought he was going to make us “great” again.

And yet his first act is to sign the ACA repeal.

I still want to see his tax reports. I haven’t forgotten about that. And no one else should. I see people who hate Obama post horrible things about his leadership. Most of these people live very comfortably. Have enough money to buy private healthcare and are not affected by anything this man promised. They complain, but I truly wonder what it is they are complaining about? Their nice house? Their substantial bank account? Their ability to do whatever they want, within reason?

How do these people rationalize Trump’s blatant lies? He’s on the news saying that everything he said were campaign tactics. Do you know what that means? Nothing he says can be seen as truth. Talk about two-faced, only he shows both, and laughs. I’m terrified. I really am. Not for me though. My life won’t be affected, but I have two daughters and a son who have many more years on this earth and what this mentally ill man does, may affect them.

I will tell you this…If I die anytime soon….The white house is going to get its first malevolent, pissed off poltergeist. My main focus will be to make Trump go bald and delete all his money. Have to hit him where it really hurts.

On this day, I will continue to be who I am, fight for what I believe in, speak my mind, continue to love, pursue peace, protect my family and friends, honor truth and justice, trust and respect only those who have earned it, follow my instincts, have faith in my guides, stand with the weak, oppose bullies, give the warrior inside me free reign, help those in need, denounce all the -isms and religious persecutions, refuse the hate of others, be proud of my diversified community, work hard for all my achievements, follow my dreams, become more spiritually focused, never back down, and stand my ground.
But don’t take my word for it….my actions have always screamed my name.

To know me is to know I don’t take people’s word as truth, I don’t trust easily, I look deep inside to find the sense. If you show me who you really are, I will accept you even though I may not agree, because you trusted me with who you are. I believe a person can be changed with an experience, a quote an act of kindness or hatred. I take into consideration where you came from, how you grew up. I know there is more to what’s being said and have the ability, over time, to put the puzzle pieces in their correct spaces. I know some pieces are hard to face while others become the center of our lives. When people hurt, no matter relation, I hurt. I do my best to follow peace, but get tripped up every so often. I’m not above knee jerk reactions and punish myself far worse than anyone else could. Know one knows my weaknesses better than I do and I use them to inflict the most pain on my conscience. What gets me angry are people lumping me with a group of others based on who I voted for (just an example)without really knowing why. I dislike when people make assumptions based on my ability to love. Helping is a part of who I am …not an ingrained obligation . Through experience, I’ve tempered my eagerness to belong, into a healthy I’m-okay-by-myself, but enjoy the company of others. I love my family. Forgiveness is an ability I exercise often. My friends are a chosen few who get me, my idiosyncrasies and my shortcomings. My children and hubby are my world. And most important…I know that when I forget to take my Lexapro…I become a deranged amazon carrying around a soapbox, screaming at anyone who will listen. LMAO.

I have my beliefs. I think I know what I would do in certain circumstances, but am not 100% sure. No one is. My beliefs do not “Trump” your rights and beliefs. I feel superior to no one. I rarely make promises. Too many interfering variables. In my opinion, the chaos theory is alive and well and a factor no one can control. Pretending to love under the terms of psychological hate is the rudimentary basis of a repressive soul. I don’t know everything. I feel around and hope I get it right. If right ends in whole happiness, I came close. If right ends in the destruction of my initial goal, then I failed to understand and I try again, differently. Forgiveness is key to escape misery. What people say and do represents who they are and has nothing to do with you. We are our own entities fighting for stability, peace and happiness. No ones end game is the same. The belief that what is right for me is right for you is immature and disastrous. To have a solid grasp on your beliefs’, you must take the journey to find yourself. It’s a difficult and bloody road to traverse, but at the end you will be confident, understanding and compassionate to those fearful and refusing to take that first step. I fight. I’m a warrior soul. It’s what I know. It’s who I am. To fight a battle properly, I seek information from both sides of the front line and instead of taking sides, I listen for the truth to speak to me out of the thunder of war. War has three truths. The opposing perceptions and what is truly the cause. That third truth is why the war started. To get both sides to listen, there needs to be a cease-fire, a silence. Sometimes you have to be that silence, that reprieve that cleansing breath. You have to be on the highest mountain looking over the fires and explosions, where breathing is hard and thinking even harder, to really see. To really feel. To Really know what is happening. Otherwise you’re just another screamer, accuser hater, and simply part of the problem. We all have the skills to help. To understand. To be compassionate. It’s a choice.

I vow to be me and continue being grumpy, but only until that first sip of coffee. To be annoyed by slow drivers. To fidget nervously in crowds. To appreciate the unique dynamic of my family. To watch and learn about people so I can be more understanding. Walk in other people’s shoes to gain new perspectives. To only allow me to edit my life. To live like I am the star of my award winning movie. Make decisions by what I know plus what I feel. To promote positive energy my way and not the way others want me to. I vow to continue being happy and confident just by being me. Thank you.