Posts Tagged ‘love’

Anger Kills focus, concentration and character. That’s why we nitpick at our loved ones, nag our partners or internally self-destruct trying to hide from the chaos our emotions have caused in our world.  Want to know a secret? Feeling anger is a choice. Acting on anger is a choice. It’s all about how we perceive ourselves. Think about it. Confident people do not get angry. They can still be wrong, but believing in who they are, what they stand for, and their self-value keeps them from diving into the carnage of self-dissection.  

Most of the time anger comes from within. It is very rarely caused by an outside attack. What hurts the most comes from within.  For instance, if your self-esteem is scraping bottom and you think you’re not smart…a simple comment about a classification of intelligence from an ignorant person can trigger the beat-yourself-up anger. And then what? Who suffers the consequences…besides yourself? The person you love the most. The person you feel most safe with. The one person who knows your true value, ends up defending themselves against someone else’s, dare I say it? Un-called for, spoken without thinking, comment?

I have just begun to master the turbulent emotion we call anger. I started with silencing my bad thoughts, knowing the true answer to my issue had nothing to do with what was said or done, but what “I” took from it. I had to stop my partner from helping me until I had complete control over the heat searing my most inner thoughts. Sometimes it takes days of silence contemplation, but when I am ready and haven’t revealed the source of my pain, I let my partner in to help, because by then, I am fully aware that the answer is inside me. I’m still a work in progress, but I can truly say I am happier every single day that I unfold the secrets hidden inside me. They just make me…me and the more I learn the more peace I feel.

Another difficult morning of complaints, “I don’t feel well.” In-between smiles and conversation we have about the wildlife program that is currently on TV.  Why is the tv on? You ask… well I need something to gauge the real reason for not wanting to go to school. My son, whom I adore, has anxiety issues. They’re not just with school. He suffers every time he knows he has to leave the house.

The panic attacks didn’t start over night, but increased significantly after two close family members passed away. One happened quite unexpectedly. Me, his mom, having cancer when he was 4 is what I believe could have triggered it in the first place. I also believe this is a challenge in this lifetime that he has yet to overcome in previous, but no matter the reason or cause, I am determined to get him through it. I’m lucky that he is only thirteen. I have some flexibility, but soon that gap will close when he enters ninth grade.

I don’t know how to get him to see what is really happening. His aches and pain are real because his fear triggers his stomach to hurt. He accuses me of not believing him. I do believe him but the only way to help him is to not feed into it. He is seeing a couple of specialists and I rely on their advice since my husband and I are at our wits end.

It is very fortunate that I have a partner in all of this. We do our best to give the other some breathing space in-between the battles, and battles they have become. The school is also on our side and has worked with us since the beginning. In two months we shall know if our efforts have paid off. A long two months they shall be. All I know is that I am doing this out of love. I’m not giving in. I’m fighting for my son’s quality of life and that keeps me strong and motivated. He’s truly an amazing kid. He’s kind and respectful, smart and witty. He is going to be an amazing adult. I will not let fear take my baby’s future away.  

Mother’s Day

Posted: May 11, 2014 in Uncategorized
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Happy mother’s day to all those wonderful women out there who dedicate their lives to safety, guidance, patience, endearments, and most of all unconditional love to not only their children but all those beautiful souls around them. Tomorrow may be our day, but it is only a flare in the sky to what we do and will continue to do for the rest of this lifetime. I salute you all!

Who are you? What do you like? Are you kind to others? Do you help humanity progress? Do you feel love in your bones? Would you give your last dollar to help a stranger? Would you die for your country? Would you die for your children? Do you smile to lift someone’s spirits? Do you listen to tears? Hear anguish? Does your heart drop when someone gets hurt? Do you feel loss when someone dies?

 Do you stay calm during an emergency and then break down when you are alone? Does thunder scare you? Are you afraid of the dark? Does the night calm you? Does the ocean give you new perspective to where you rank in the world? Does it hurt when you fall down? Are your tears clear? Does a passionate kiss make you sizzle? Is your partner your complimentary half? Do you view life as a challenge?

Do you get angry at incompetent drivers? Does your face turn beat red when you are embarrassed? Do you have secrets you keep to protect yourself? Do you lie? Do you swear? Do you speak at all? Can you hear the wind, the rain, a crying baby? Do you like board games? Are you a bad winner? Do you walk around obstacles or puzzle out how to get through them? Is there a fruit you do not like? Is reading part of your routine?

Are you afraid for the future? Can you be yourself around others who cannot?

If you answered yes to any of these you are a flesh and blood, individual human who has a right to be?

Now if I ask you, does being gay make you different? What is your answer? And why did you have to think about it?

I’m a happily married woman with three kids. I am bisexual. I adore my husband. I fell in love with his soul and never looked back. If this soul was in a woman’s body, I would feel the same way and I know there is nothing wrong with me? How about you?

Self peace…3

Posted: November 14, 2013 in life lessons
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Each one of us has lessons we need to learn before we can be at peace. Some lessons are easier to learn than others, but that moment of realization is like a cool breeze during a hot day, up lifting and short-lived. Before we know it we are sobbing over a loss, a word, a feeling of anxiety and not knowing why the hurt cuts us so deep.
In our journey for peace we seek out those who can teach us the greatest lessons, place our minds and our hearts in their hands hoping for something spectacular. Without others we sink in our black hole, wither and die. Our lives become meaningless and empty, touching and experiencing nothing. Yet to give control to others is frightening. The result may cause us to detach. One person’s cruel treatment may cause another, more gentle soul to be overlooked and their lesson to fail because the pain is too great to overcome.
How do we get passed such a blood and fire barrier? To face the agony, barge through it would surely scar us for life. And what is on the other side? Is it worth it?
Again we place our wellbeing in the hands of the unknown teachers waiting for us to step up and swallow down the fear, offer up our hearts and minds again. Who are these teachers? These souls we count on to guide us as they count on us to guide them, learning their lessons from us, their hearts and minds placed in our hands to comfort or crush, a dance of words and emotions tripping us up or carrying us through to the next soul and message.
I’ve learned, so far, the teachings from family and friends. From overheard conversations to dreams. From personal suffering, the betrayal of my own body and then of my mind to words never acted on or jabbing words that cut so deep, forgiveness is not a feeling but an educated choice. We all go through this expedition to ultimately find peace.
Personal tranquility does not come from succeeding or overcoming these lessons, because we will always be tethered to our decisions, over thinking them, wondering if we learned everything we needed to know. True serenity comes from knowing you did your best whether the outcome was what you wished or not. That you loved and accepted and respected and gave to the best of YOUR ability and not what someone else sees as your best. That short-sightedness is their lesson to learn. Not yours.
During a lifetime there are many lessons to learn. We are all struggling to find what we need and want. Each goal is as unique as the person setting out to achieve it. Try to remember this when you feel betrayed, exiled, hated, and even loved, comforted and included. It is what is inside us, our damage and strengths, our weaknesses and our determinations that drive us.