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Littlemissdarkness is not dark or depressing.
A guide into things that aren’t easy to see or understand.
Step into the dark and let me show you what you Can’t see.
There is more to us than the sometimes unbearable darkness. Reach out to find what is not always seen. Beauty isn’t always fed by light. Sometimes beauty is the dark. Faith and love are two powerful entities that can only be felt.
I posted a summary of what I’ve been through in this lifetime, but that’s not who I am. Writing about what makes me whole will be more difficult and a challenge I am willing to accept. I could simply say I do not like pickled herring, or cows tongue and balk at anything that has the consistency of mucous. Ugh. Okay, so let’s see.
I’m not perfect. I have endearing flaws and annoying quirks. I laugh when something is funny… or not so funny. I have a tendency to laugh when someone gets hurt (not tragically) in an unusual way, but that’s a family trait. My children are not fond of that particular trait. One day I can be completely high on life, when someone cuts me off, I sigh. Then there are days when I want to bite the world in the ass. Those days are fortunately fewer and far between.
I’d like to say I’m one hundred percent non-judgmental, but that would be inaccurate. There are times I am vulnerable. And those are the times when I make judgments. If I’m feeling bad about myself, thinking I’m unworthy, ugly, stupid and so on, I project these negative traits onto others. Where I normally would smile at someone who is frowning, I instead make a judgment about how inconsiderate they are to add their issue to my, already, destructive state of mind. Once again, as I progress into personal acceptance these occurrences are on the verge of extinction.
My actions do and don’t reflect who I am. Each individual moment can steer me in many directions. If I’m stressed, I will react in an irritated manner. What I am feeling at that time will guide the course of my reaction and so thus must I accept that others are the same, and not to rush to judgment.
I still feel I haven’t touched on who I am. Am I my personal thoughts? How I treat others? How I react to challenges? What I would do to defend my children? The strength of my loyalty to others? What I forgive? Maybe one day I will be able to answer these accurately, but for now I am a work in progress facing challenges head on, accepting, not always humbly, changes in my life, working for what I want and offering my love and devotion to those willing to accept the forever changing me.
The truth is an enchantment we place upon ourselves in order to explain who we are and why we do the things we do. My truth is different from everyone else’s. The perception of what is true is as unique as each individual, their life history, experience ranging beyond this lifetime, and what other people tell us is otherwise known as truth. There is no such thing as The Truth. I could tell you what I believe about a subject, but not be able to truly explain why. My story is filled with vivid memories of growing up, conversations, the good, the bad and the ugly, but there is so much more that I feel rather than know.
The truth is not a tangible substance we can display outside our minds. The truth is not a fact. It cannot be proven and it changes on a constant basis. What someone believes is the truth can drastically change from moment to moment. Words, images, emotions change what we feel inside. This minute glimpse of something new or newly revealed transforms every sequence of our thoughts, beliefs and self. We become someone new inside. The difference is astonishing from an introspective point of view.
So when someone asks you for the “Truth” smile and either shake their hand and engage in a litany of words or walk away.
I want to wish all out there a happy month, this month, next month and all those following. You are not alone. We are all connected in the other realm. A piece of us is always watching over our struggles. Never give up. You are not alone. You have me and a multitude of others in your corner, cheering you on, watching your back. If all the people who felt alone in this world came together, we’d need a conference room the size of Australia. You are cared about. You are cared for. Feel it. Feel us. You can do anything if you smile before you step. Smile before you open your eyes. Smile before you frown.
Maggie sat in her car watching Kyra and her colleagues move through the shadows carrying the men into an abandoned warehouse. Every so often Kyra caught Maggie’s eye and Maggie always turned away first. A battle was going on in the detective’s mind. Maggie could see the tension lines between her eyes. She wasn’t having trouble with what would happen inside the warehouse, Maggie, she knew, looked forward to dishing-up some justice for her brother. So what troubled her?
As turned to leave her people to prepare the men for a conversation, Stan grabbed her elbow and pulled her aside. “This will not end well. They know who she is,” he said.
She wrenched her arm out of his grasp. “I have a plan. And when did you grow a conscience?”
“Kyra, you’re getting in too deep.” He snapped. “I don’t care about those thugs or the fucked up cop. I care about you.”
She laughed sadly. “There’s nothing more than a job between us, Stan. When this is over…it’s over. Happy now?” She turned to leave.
He stepped in her way. “Not really. I don’t believe you.”
“Well then you’re going to have to trust me.” She hated that he was closer to right than he knew. Hated herself for dropping her guard for Maggie. But she looked on the bright side; maybe this was the case that ended her misery.
“Get them ready. We’ll be in, in ten minutes,” She wouldn’t allow him to get in her way again.
Kyra got into the passenger seat without looking at Maggie. “You ready for this,” she said.
“Yes.” Maggie said, distractedly.
Kyra took a long breath before looking at Maggie. “There’s no going back.”
“I hadn’t planned on it. I’m living moment to moment.”
Maggie’s tone broke her self-preservation rule and once again Maggie had gotten inside her head. “What’s happened?”
“I just got the call. My brother died an hour ago.”
Each one of us has lessons we need to learn before we can be at peace. Some lessons are easier to learn than others, but that moment of realization is like a cool breeze during a hot day, up lifting and short-lived. Before we know it we are sobbing over a loss, a word, a feeling of anxiety and not knowing why the hurt cuts us so deep.
In our journey for peace we seek out those who can teach us the greatest lessons, place our minds and our hearts in their hands hoping for something spectacular. Without others we sink in our black hole, wither and die. Our lives become meaningless and empty, touching and experiencing nothing. Yet to give control to others is frightening. The result may cause us to detach. One person’s cruel treatment may cause another, more gentle soul to be overlooked and their lesson to fail because the pain is too great to overcome.
How do we get passed such a blood and fire barrier? To face the agony, barge through it would surely scar us for life. And what is on the other side? Is it worth it?
Again we place our wellbeing in the hands of the unknown teachers waiting for us to step up and swallow down the fear, offer up our hearts and minds again. Who are these teachers? These souls we count on to guide us as they count on us to guide them, learning their lessons from us, their hearts and minds placed in our hands to comfort or crush, a dance of words and emotions tripping us up or carrying us through to the next soul and message.
I’ve learned, so far, the teachings from family and friends. From overheard conversations to dreams. From personal suffering, the betrayal of my own body and then of my mind to words never acted on or jabbing words that cut so deep, forgiveness is not a feeling but an educated choice. We all go through this expedition to ultimately find peace.
Personal tranquility does not come from succeeding or overcoming these lessons, because we will always be tethered to our decisions, over thinking them, wondering if we learned everything we needed to know. True serenity comes from knowing you did your best whether the outcome was what you wished or not. That you loved and accepted and respected and gave to the best of YOUR ability and not what someone else sees as your best. That short-sightedness is their lesson to learn. Not yours.
During a lifetime there are many lessons to learn. We are all struggling to find what we need and want. Each goal is as unique as the person setting out to achieve it. Try to remember this when you feel betrayed, exiled, hated, and even loved, comforted and included. It is what is inside us, our damage and strengths, our weaknesses and our determinations that drive us.
Mel Evers wonders about it all 