13 Reasons Why… My Rambling Thoughts

Posted: April 30, 2017 in Uncategorized


My daughter recommended this book to me, after I asked her what kind of books she read for “fun”. Let me say that, my daughter is not your usual, go out, party, throw caution to the wind, type of girl. She’s serious. Thinks about her future, cares for her friends and has somehow learned to balance taking care of herself and taking care of others. At the time of the recommendation, she was in Junior High, and were friends with people who were seen as low on the totem pole (I used to be one of those kids). Like me, she didn’t hesitate to have her friends’ backs and did what was necessary when one of them was terrorized by an anonymous peer. (Someone was putting little notes in the girl’s backpack, telling her to kill herself) My daughter is direct, thoughtful, intelligent, and not easily manipulated. The stories she used to come home with, were terrifying. I don’t remember life (outside my home) being that stressful.

So, not surprised she read this book.

I read Thirteen Reasons Why. Yes, I’m an adult. I absorbed the story through a mature filter, and found it to be terrifying as well as an eye-opener. The novel told a tale of tragedy from an unique perspective that forced me to change the way I think. Anything or anyone who can make me rethink a specific thought process, I deem impressive.

Why is this story important?

All of my children, two daughters and one son, suffer from anxiety, as do I, but how each of us deals with it, is different. My daughters have a full understanding of what triggers their anxiety and make a great effort, in the moment of an episode, to talk themselves down. Not easy. Sometimes not effective. Talking and or hugging helps. A change of scenery for an hour or two, if possible, or a form of meditation are some of the things we do to get back on track. Being a mother who understands is helpful. My son, though, also has depression. This is not something I personally understand.  I know depression causes both physical and emotional pain. I know that, in some cases, suicide is a result of escaping that unbearable pain. People don’t want to kill themselves. They want to feel better. The only time I ever thought I’d be better off dead, was while I battled cancer. Between the medication keeping my mind stable and chemotherapy, my emotions were ping-ponging all over the place. There were times when I felt absolutely nothing. Numb. Critical thinking and never wanting to leave my children got me through those moments.

But imagine not knowing where this pain is coming from?

Believing that horrible events, one after another, in your life, could never be overcome?

Thinking you’re completely alone?

Becoming distant because no one sees and no one will understand.

My son would come to me telling me he was in pain. A pain that burned deep inside, fueled by his own emotions, making him suffer. I thank the Goddess every day that he told me. How do I heal that? How do I fix it. He’s in therapy, sees a psychiatrist and takes medication. I was always against the use of medications until his pain was so great, he came to me crying for help. When he’s hanging over that emotional cliff, holding on for dear life, I make sure (as best as I can) to dangle beside him, holding his hand, while reaching up and grabbing hold of the rest of my family’s wrists.

I’m a little on the crazy side. I’m a very very very hands on mom. I practically (No. I do) study my children’s behavior. (This crazy endeavor of studying body language and different speech inflections, started when I was 13. Whole different story why) If I see something off about the way they speak, or act, I’m on them, asking questions. Making them speak to me or asking if talking to someone else would be better. I don’t care, as long as someone, I trust, supports them.

A couple of people from my past committed suicide. One person whom I played with as a child. It’s scary and heart wrenching at a distance.  I can’t imagine it hitting close to home.

****I haven’t seen the TV series yet. I want to. My children are young adults, but I still would prefer to watch it with them for the discussion possibilities. I’m always interested in their perspective. Their clarity about a situation is sometimes greater than mine.

Fear, anger, banning, hiding your head, closing your ears will not stop people from committing suicide. The word DEPRESSION does not adequately describe the level of pain a person is feeling, when they are considering putting a gun to the head of the monster inside, causing them this pain, to blow their head off. It scrambles sense and sensibility, has razor sharp teeth, heavy chains and worst of all is invisible to the most powerful microscope in the world (Scanning Transmission Electron Microscope (STEM).

Just because someone looks healthy, laughs, and seems sound, doesn’t mean they are. Knowledge is the best weapon in our arsenal. Use it.







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